I laughed like it was a joke but my stomach was a rock. Had I made him feel like that? I propped one heel against the brick wall. “That’s not a question.”
He squared himself to me and looked directly in my eyes. “I wore your necklace every day for four and a half years. I think that makes it pretty clear how I feel about you.” He ran a hand over his mouth. “Have you thought about me over the years? Holden and Christy said they watch all of my games. Do you?”
He could not have asked a more damning question. My hands rested against my cheeks and I stared at his Adam’s apple, which kept bobbing.
“Anna, do you watch my games?”
“I came to your game and sang ‘Rocky Top.’” My voice was tight and my laugh stilted.
“You did. But before that?” Now his voice was tight. His fists curling and uncurling. “Anna, do you or do you not watch my games?” His tone was almost desperate.
I stood there, regretting every single game I hadn’t watched. Which was all but the one. “No,” I barely got out around the knot in my throat. “I don’t.”
“Any of them?” He tried again. “Ever?”
I shook my head.
He stared at me for a long while. “Okay. Thank you for being honest.” Then he turned and walked away, mumbling to himself. He swung back around, an expression of disbelief on his face. “You call me Blucifer in your sleep?”
I froze, sick to my stomach, my mouth opening and closing a few times. No. This was definitely a more damning question. He was waiting. My face fell and I nodded once.
He shook his head, his eyes downturned and his shoulders slumped. Then he turned to go again.
“Blue!” I called, taking three steps in his direction.
He faced me, his hands gripping his hair.
“Don’t you want the necklace?”
His laugh was thick like he was holding back tears. “No. I’m done being in love with someone who’s not in love with me.” Then he really did go, leaving me open-mouthed, a metaphorical fist in my stomach.
I was in love with Blue. Stupidly. To the point that I couldn’t even have a relationship with another guy.
Why hadn’t I said it?
I stayed there long after he was gone, alone, breathing, thinking, hating myself. Because all this time I’d told myself Blue was the one who was the jerk, when in actuality, it was me. He wore his heart on his sleeve daily, while I kept mine tucked in a tight, protective football carry.
It wasn’t until I stepped out of the darkness and into the light of a flickering lamp post that I realized we’d had that entire conversation in the exact spot where we’d shared our first kiss.
And I just ruined that memory forever.
CHAPTER 19
anna
Aweek later, the Blacksburg wind whipped, making me hunker down into my sweatshirt. Was I wearing my own school’s merch at a live game where two other teams were facing off? Yes. I couldn’t wear Knoxville colors. Not with the way things were between Blue and me right then. But I also wasn’t wearing the hideous Virginia Tech sweatshirt Ashton tried to loan me either.
“They shouldn’t have let Blue play already.” Holden scowled at the Virginia Tech football field below. “He wasn’t ready.”
“Nah.” Ashton’s head bobbed, a smug smirk on his lips, decked out in maroon and orange. “This is fantastic.” His hand punched toward the scoreboard. 14-0. Hokies. And we were only in the first quarter. Ashton jangled his VT cowbell and screamed, “Put Blue back in! Let’s watch him fumble again!”
Silas sat to my right, hunched over, staring at the concrete beneath our feet. “Anna,” he groaned. “You broke Blue.”
“That is ridiculous,” I scoffed. “I agree with Holden. He just wasn’t ready.”
We were on the Hokie side of the stadium. Front row again, thanks to Ford. Even though he wasn’t here, he was trying to make up for my UK heartache. Especially after the press conference. He felt responsible.
Ashton wouldn’t allow us to sit behind Knoxville, even though we’d come to watch Blue. Which was fine. I would’ve been heckled over there anyway. I could hear them heckling me all the way over here.
