“Well, he hasn’t texted me since I sent him away. And he didn’t push me about the kiss. It’s like he’s saying, I’m not going to grovel. I’m not going to pressure you or beg you for whatever you’ll give me. If you didn’t want me based on that kiss, if you don’t want to love me back, your loss, ”
“And that kind of confidence scares you?”
“It terrifies me.” I ran a hand over my forehead. “I lost control of myself when we kissed.”
“You have strong chemistry.”
“Yeah. We do.” Just remembering the kiss put a fire low in my belly. “But I’m also scared of him not pursuing this. I drew a boundary and he hasn’t tried to cross it. Part of me wishes he would. Because…” I groaned. “What if I scared him off for good?” My hands came up in a mind-blown gesture. “I’m a mess.”
“No, you have emotions that are battling each other. That’s normal.” But then Dr. Booker grinned. “It sounds to me like he knows what he wants and he’s not willing to settle for less. That he’s not going to grovel. But also, when he sets his mind on something, he’s all in.”
“It’s completely overwhelming,” I whispered.
She propped her elbows on her knees and leaned forward to look at me. “See, I think that’s the kind of love you deserve. Someone who’s going to challenge you. Who’s going to make sure your relationship is as full and rich as it can be.”
I cowered in my seat. “I don’t know if I want that.”
“Tally, have you considered that maybe you’re not running from Ashton?”
I met her eye. “What do you mean?”
“I think maybe you’re running from being vulnerable. You’re running from the opportunity to be loved. Why?”
Fear struck me in the chest, which, as Dr. Booker and I had discussed many times, was a signal that we were on the right track. I looked around the room and at my therapist, reminding myself that I was safe here. This was the right place to explore the things that scared me most.
“What if I can’t?” It came out in a hush. “What if I’m too broken? What if I try to have a relationship with him and it doesn’t work? I think it would break me even more.”
“You’re not broken.” Her tone was as gentle as her smile. “You’re healing. And healing isn’t linear. I know we wish it was. But that’s not how it works. It’s messy and scary and sometimes it feels like you’re moving backwards. But every step, even the backwards ones, are part of the journey.”
I thought about that for a second, my entire body stiff with fear and…hope? “So what do I do?”
“Ultimately that’s up to you. But you might want to ask yourself if you’re willing to live without Ashton. If some other woman walked up tomorrow and took him off your hands, would you be relieved or devastated?”
My hands went up to my cheeks and I sat there, ruminating on it. “Maybe a bit of both.”
She shook her head with a smile. “I don’t think so. One would be the dominating emotion. Your job is to figure out which one.” She pointed at me with her pen. “I think you need to give this relationship a chance. Go out with him a few times.”
“L-like on dates?” I gulped.
“Yes, exactly.” Her head tilted the other way. “Like everything else we’ve done in therapy, you gotta put in the work.”
The next Wednesday, sitting in Fiction Thesis Writing class once again, it took everything in me not to yank Ashley’s phone from her hands and fling it across the room.
She giggled as she zoomed in.
Today it was Ashton’s shoulders. Every time he changed position, she added another clip to her TikTok. Resting against his desk, walking with his arms folded across his chest, writing on the white board, leaning over to help Drew Milton find the right page in the book. Click, click, click.
Ashton stood behind the podium. “Now that your research is done and your papers are turned in, I’d like todiscuss what everyone thought ofIn The Day of Abandonment.Ferrante doesn’t simply tell the story of a woman unraveling after her husband’s sudden departure; she immerses us in the raw, visceral experience of?—”
“I’m immersed in the raw, visceral experience that isProfessorDupree,” Ashley said in a sultry tone.
My teeth clenched so hard I heard a crack in the back of my jaw. I rubbed my mouth and narrowed my eyes at the side of her head.
“How about…Tally?” Ashton said.
My head snapped around. “Uh, sorry, what was that?” I felt my cheeks flush.
Ashton’s head tilted like he was disappointed that I was distracted. But it was his fault. His and Ashley’s. Ninety percent his though. After what happened, how could he stand up in front of the class like everything was normal? I was completely frazzled just being in the same room with him and all I was doing was sitting.
