— RABINDRANATH TAGORE
Dr. Booker, my therapist, was posed with her pad propped on her thigh, her pen waiting. “You know what I think the most significant part of what happened in your room is? It’s not something you’ve mentioned, so I don’t think it’s occurred to you yet.”
“What?”
“Ashton, who you’ve described as strong and tall, lots of muscles…” She winked. “Was in your room with you, alone, in your bed, with the door shut, and that’s not what caused you distress.” Her brow was raised in question.
I nodded. “You’re right.”
“Why is that?”
I thought about it for a moment. “BecauseAshton wouldn’t hurt me. He’d never take advantage of me, and he doesn’t cross my boundaries.”
“Exactly.” She smiled softly. “So I think we know that’s not why you asked him to leave then, is it?”
I shook my head.
“Let’s unpack the whys. If Ashton is safe, why would you oust him from your room?”
I sunk into the couch. “I panicked, okay? He drops this bomb that he’s Leggs and he’s been in love with me all this time and I…freaked out.”
“I can see how that would be overwhelming.” She wrote something else on her pad. I always wondered if she was playing hangman. I snickered at that thought. “That’s a good start. Let’s keep going. What about Ashton’s confession scared you?”
My hand fisted around the hem of my shirt as I thought. “I dunno…it’s Ashton. He’s always been…a constant. He’s been a safe person for me.”
“I hear a but.”
My shoulders hunched and I stared at my lap. “But a relationship with him means he’s going to want more. And more means…”
“Intimacy?”
I nodded, my hands shaking at the thought.
“It doesn’t have to be right away. You get a say in that.”
“I know. But eventually.”
“You know, the fact that he’ll want to be intimate with you, even eventually, doesn’t mean he’s not safe. It means he feels deeply for you. If he loves you, he’s going to want to show you. To make you happy. Intimacy is part of that.”
“I know that!” My voice was too loud, too intense. I forced myself to release a slow exhale. “Logically, I know that. But emotionally? I feel like I’m stuck in perpetual fight orflight mode.”
“And flight won this round?”
The laugh that came out of my throat sounded like someone slightly unhinged. “I couldn’t very well fight him, could I?” My gaze dropped to my lap. “Ashton would never fight me. That’s not what I meant.”
“Because, as we’ve already established, he’s safe.”
“Yeah.” I nodded. But then I shook my head. “But he doesn’t feel safe because he’s not like Madden at all.”
“How so?”
“Well…” I chewed my lip. “Madden never pushed. He was willing to take whatever scraps I gave him. When we very first started dating and I told him no sex, he said okay. If I didn’t want to kiss, we didn’t kiss. If I didn’t want to go out, we stayed in. If I didn’t feel like seeing him, he accepted it.” I looked up at Dr. Booker. “That sounds terrible now that I’ve said it out loud.” Madden really did deserve so much better.
“I think you need to understand that you didn’t realize that’s what you were doing. Give yourself some grace. And we can discuss Madden more later. But I’d like to circle back to Ashton for a bit.” She adjusted in her chair. “Why do you think you panicked when Ashton told you he loved you, but you never did when Madden told you the same thing?”
The walls felt like they were closing in a bit. I made myself push through anyway. “Because Ashton isn’t going to be satisfied with scraps.”
“Why do you say that? What is it about his behavior that’s led you to that conclusion?”
