thirty
SILAS
That familiar darkness wrapped around my chest, squeezing, trying to get me to cave in. To return to the murky state I’d existed in for years, where I was numb, only half alive.
And then I saw Sophie’s light blue letter out of the corner of my eye. It was tucked between my cowboy hat and a pair of jeans Clem had folded.
It had only been eighty days, but I didn’t care. Everything was ruined now anyway. I tore the envelope open, chest heaving with anger at my sister. I hoped she at least apologized for the misery she’d put me through. And maybe I could find something in her words that would help me understand this and go back and fix the messI’d made.
Dear Silas,
The Hansel to my Gretel. The Luke to my Leia.
I pursed my lips, disgusted. Sophie knew I hated it when she called us that.
The Abel to my Cain. Stubborn, strong-willed, emotionally constipated Silas.
Did she seriously just compare my lifelong struggle to adequately communicate my feelings to a clogged bowel movement?
If she hadn’t been dead, I would’ve burned the letter on the spot. But she was. So I read on.
Remember when we very first met? We were in a pretty tight spot.
I rolled my eyes.
Okay. Okay. Enough with the twin jokes. I’m going to run out of room so I’ll get to the point. And here it is.
Please, please, please tell me you didn’t bungle this, Spare Parts. You may be three minutes older, but let’s be real. I’ve always been the wiser twin. At least on the things that really matter. Except that one time I got myself knocked up. I mean, I couldn’t be perfect all the time or I’d make you look bad.And we got delightful Anna out of the whole thing. Our adorable plot twist.
Anyway. I digress.
Silas. I bought you three months with Lemon. What did you do with it?
My hope is that you’re sitting next to each other right now, reading your letters together, shaking your heads at me and laughing. That you spent your days falling head-over-heels, crazy in love. That you couldn’t keep your hands off each other. And you stole a thousand kisses when Anna wasn’t looking. And hopefully a few when she was.
Yeah. The three months were definitely about my girl. But I never doubted for a second that you and Lemon would love the heck out of her. You already do. My fear is that you won’t see this time for what I meant it to be: a gift.
Si. You have a hard time going for it. You start, stall, reverse, second-guess yourself into a tail-spin until it paralyzes you. If you’re with Lemon now and you two are at the beginning of your happily ever after, then my work here is done. The silver lining to dying at twenty-eight will be that it finally got the two of you together. But if you spent the summer under the same roof and you never let yourself open up to her, then I failed. And I think that might kill me more than actually dying IRL.
What I’m saying is this: you deserve happiness, wonderful brother. You are a good, loyal, respectful, kind man. You’ve finally grown into that gangly body and you got hot. Own it. But you’re not just any man, Silas. You’re the man who loves, desires, and craves Lemon. All the way down to your cowboy-studded soul. And she deserves to be loved like that. I need you to love her like that.
Please make her see sense. You have to talk her out of Billy. Every day that she’s with him, she’s wilting. He is sucking the life out of her and if she makes it up here to heaven earlier than she should because he broke her, it will kill me all over again. First thing, when I get up to those pearly gates, I’m heading straight for the Big Man himself to see what I can do about getting her away from him.
I chuckled and shook my head. With the way Billy and Clem’s marriage had blown up the day we buried Soph, maybe she really had gotten “The Big Man” involved. It would be true Sophie style, indeed—barreling into heaven, ready with her list of demands.
Lemon needed to be near you this summer so she could see, front and center, what being loved by a real man looks like. I’m hoping it will be enough that she’ll be able to break free. But even once she’s out, she’s going to need you. It will take years of someone loving her, and all her broken pieces, before she’ll see that she was worthy of it all along. And you’re the one, bro. It won’t be easy. She doesn’t think she deserves better. Billy did that to her. But you’re a little broken too because you don’t think you deserve her.
You’re both wrong.
What’s that horrible phrase people say to be mean? You deserve each other?
But this time, it’s true. You do deserve each other. In all the best ways.
I need her to be okay, Silas.Please make sure she’s okay.
I sucked in air at that line. That’s what she’d meant when she made me promise on her deathbed. It wasn’t a vague request. It was code formake sure Billy doesn’t destroy her.
But Si? Don’t think this is all about Lemon. I need you to be okay too. Cause right now, you’re not. Oh, you think you are. But you still don’t know true happiness. And you won’t until you recognize that you’re always going to love her and you do something about it.
