When he’d pulled me into his lap and, nose to nose, told me that he hated that we weren’t friends. That he missed me… It was so opposite of all the times he kept me at arm’s length, refusing to let me in.
The ache in his voice had been intense. I’d thought we were going to kiss—and good gracious, the smell of his aftershave, his strong arms around my back, his breath tickling my lips…
I’d waited for it. Yearned for it. But it didn’t come. Icouldn’t tell if he was waiting for me to initiate it, or if I was misreading him completely.
But then, as Anna always said, I checked myself before I wrecked myself. My marriage just ended. The divorce process had barely begun. I was nowhere near ready to be kissing someone else. Didn’t even know if that’s what I wanted. I hadn’t unpacked these new feelings toward Silas yet. What if a week from now, I decided he wasn’t all that and Peyton had just gotten into my head? I wasn’t the kind of person to start things I couldn’t finish. Especially with a guy I’d known my whole life.
And then I thought about Billy and how much his cheating had hurt me. And how I might respect Silas less if he cheated on Christy. My favorite thing about Si was his loyalty and goodness. Like a pillar I’d always been able to lean on. I didn’t know how to face the future if he wasn’t that guy anymore. And I didn’t want to be the person who changed him.
And what about Anna? We couldn’t be out here getting to first base on the couch while she was asleep down the hall. No, if I pursued something with Silas, I needed to be certain of my feelings for him. And right now, I couldn’t be less certain if I tried.
So even though I’d wanted to stay safe in his arms, wanted to slide my fingers up into his wavy hair and push my lips against his, wanted him to love me, intensely, deeply, in a way Billy never had…
I made the decision for him and slid off his lap.
Something in his eyes changed when I told him that having him here was like having a piece of Sophie back. He seemed confused, but maybe relieved, too. Like now that I wasn’t on top of him, he could think clearly again. And Christy was the future he really wanted.
These were the thoughts going through my head as I lay inbed the next morning for more than an hour. When I heard Anna turn on a video game in the living room, I threw the covers off, pulled my robe around my pajamas and tied it at my waist, wondering how long I’d be able to cinch it this tight.
When I walked into the living room, Si was sitting on the couch, still in the same shorts and T-shirt, his hair poking out in the back, watching Anna play. Buford had his head in her lap and was snoring. Silas sat up and gave me a half wave, then he adjusted back in his seat like he wasn’t quite sure what to do with himself. Maybe he had the same pit in his stomach that I had in mine. It felt like we’d broken through to a new level in our relationship and I couldn’t let us regress.
So I smiled extra wide. “Good morning.”
His eyes lit up, and he smiled back. “Morning.”
I tousled Anna’s hair. “Did you sleep okay?”
She beamed up at me. “So good. Buford kept the bad dreams away.” The basset hound lifted his head at the sound of his name, his droopy eyes so sad. Basset hounds always cracked me up with how pitiful they looked, even when they were happy.
I squatted down and rubbed under his chin, right where he liked it. “Such a good boy. Yes, you are.” I tapped Anna on the knee. She kept her eyes on the game but lifted her brows. “You hungry?”
“Yes.” She squealed. “Please, can we have pancakes?”
I smiled. “Sure.”
She leaned her whole body to the left, trying to get her car on the screen to turn that way. “Hey, is it okay if Brooklyn comes over in a little while so we can practice?”
“Sure. Will she be here for pancakes?”
“Let me call her.” Anna dropped the controller and ran to the kitchen to grab her phone where she’d left it charging overnight.
Silas hopped up. “I’ll help.” He followed me to the kitchenand watched as I flipped the coffeemaker on. I lifted a brow in a dare.
He grabbed two mugs from the cabinet. “I did a little research. You can have one cup a day.”
I laughed, my nostrils flaring. “Oh, really. Are you going to be the warden of the coffee maker?”
“If I have to be.” He shrugged, his chin dimpling as his lips pressed firmly together.
“But see, I’m still residing in Denialville. And I think that until I move away, I should get to drink all the coffee I want.” I reached into the small pantry and pulled out the Bisquick.
“Denialville?” He sounded unimpressed with the name of my made-up town.
I tried again. “Denialshire.” I shook my head. “Denialham.” I snapped. “Oh, I’ve got it. Denialdowne. See what I did there?”
His lips curved at the corners, betraying the annoyance on his face. “You can call it whatever you want, but there’s no more denying anything. You took a test. And it was positive.” He whispered the last part.
I shrugged as I got a bowl out of the bottom drawer by the stove. “Could be a false positive. Happens a lot, actually.” I tapped him on the chest, and his pecs flexed under his shirt. “G-google that.” I’d meant it to sound sassy, but the hitch in my throat made me sound like a choking pubescent boy.
