And suddenly, I couldn’t take stiff, standoffish Silas anymore. Didn’t want to live with someone who cared so little about me. Didn't want to pretend for one more second that I hadn't noticed his ten-year sabbatical.
My fists curled up and my chest cinched. “You’re not even here, anyway.”
He sat there for a second, stunned. “What are you talking about? I’m right here, Clem. Living in your house.”
I turned sideways to look at him. “Your body might be here, but your head and your heart are back in Wyoming. You’re either on your computer doing work or in your room talking to Christy. I’m certain that isn’t what Sophie had in mind when she set this arrangement up.” His mouth hung open, like he didn’t have a clue what I was talking about.
And it irritated me even more. “You’re only here because you have to be. Stop pretending like you care about me. You haven’t cared about me in a decade. So don’t patronize me by saying we’re friends. We are not friends.” I threw out my hands, seething. “We haven’t been friends since our senior year of high school. You got stars in your eyes when the Pokes came knocking on your door with that scholarship and you didn’t care about any of us back here.” I hugged myself, rubbed my shoulders and blew my breath out in an O, picking up steam. “You thought about what was best for Silas Dean Dupree and nobody else. Then you took off and never looked back.”
The timer went off, and I punched the stop button. Then I chucked my phone down the hall.
fourteen
SILAS
Clementine could’ve slapped me, and I would’ve been less shocked.
She made no move to check the test, just sat there, her chest heaving, a shadow on her face.
I twitched, trying to shake off her words. “Is that what you think? That I didn’t care about you?”
A coldness came over her that I’d never seen before. “I know it is.” She stabbed her chest with a finger as tears spilled over her lashes. “I called you. I emailed. I texted. And you never responded.” Her finger turned on me. “You didn’t come to my wedding. I’ve been waiting three years for you to acknowledge that my dad died. That man loved you like his own son. He taught you to rope. And you couldn’t even bother to post an ‘I’m sorry for your loss’ on my Facebook wall. That’s not how you treat people you care about.”
A tumbleweed of all the past hurts I’d suffered caused a frenzy in my mind. Of all the things I’d been accused of in my life, this made me angrier than any of them. Because it couldn’t be further from the truth.
“I cared about you.” I punched my fist againstthe carpet. “You’re the one who forgot about me—meandSophie—as soon as Billy came into the picture.” It was hateful to include Sophie in that. But it was true. Sophie had complained a lot that Billy monopolized Clem. And manipulated and twisted her into an emotional knot. The difference was Sophie stuck around to watch. But I couldn’t. I was literally going to kill someone. Billy or myself. So I got out.
My voice turned vehement. “It was Billy this and Billy that. I can’t. I have plans with Billy tonight. Sorry, Billy needs me to give him a ride. Oh, we were supposed to hang out? I forgot I promised Billy I would help him write his paper.” I gripped my hair. “Billy, Billy, Billy.” I leaned closer and jabbed at the floor. “You wanna know how I feel about Billy? Ihatehim. I hated him then and I hate him still.” Mom would scold me for using that word. She always said it was the strongest word in the English language and should be used with utmost caution. But it was exactly how I felt. To accuse me of not caring when I’d cared so much it had almost killed me was infuriating.
Clem shook her head, her eyes swimming. “If you’d met someone, I wouldn’t have stopped being your friend. I would’ve made room for them.” It was always about Billy.
She was obviously still in love with that window licker.
I glowered at her, my entire body tense. “I’m sorry I couldn’t stand by while you made the biggest mistake of your life. You want me to feel bad that I took off so I wouldn’t have to watch?” My voice was barely below a shout. “I’m not. I will never be sorry that I left! It’s the best decision I ever made!”
I regretted it as soon as it came out of my mouth.
The saying “the tongue has no bones but it can break a heart” pounded in my brain. Because I was pretty sure from the look on Clem’s face that I had just broken hers. Gutted, betrayed, crushed. I’d only seen her like this one other time. The day we walked in on Billy and Lyla.
Clem shot up and took off down the hall. And my heart threatened to stop.
I pushed up and sprinted after her. “Clem!”
She grabbed the truck keys off the hook by the door, and I panicked. What if she left and never came back? What if she got in an accident, and those were the last words I ever said to her? But the worst what if…what if she ran straight into Billy’s arms, and I let him suck the rest of the life out of her?
Safe, comfortable future be damned.
I hooked my arms around Clem’s waist and pulled her back from the door. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I murmured into her hair. “I didn’t mean it. Please forgive me.Please.”
We froze in place, our lungs rising and falling in unison. When I was sure she wasn’t leaving, I guided her to the couch and into my lap. She curled up, her head against my shoulder, and we sat that way for like three minutes, catching our breath. Which was fine. I couldn’t have said anything, anyway. My nerves were completely shot. Christy might’ve dumped me on the spot for the way this looked. I couldn’t care less right then. I needed to comfort Clem. Needed to be the friend she didn’t know I was. Clem was everything, and I’d only been fooling myself by pretending otherwise.
“Hey.” I lifted her chin to look at me. Her tears had turned her eyes the same green as the fields outside. I pulled her face into my hands and pressed my nose against hers. The urge to kiss her pouty lips ripped through me and I shoved it down. “I have missed you.Somuch. You’re right. We’re not friends. And I hate it.” I tapped my nose against hers. “I’m sorry, okay?”
She nodded, her nose brushing against mine. “Okay.” I was afraid if I moved, it would break the spell. So I stayed perfectly still, nose to nose, breathing her in. If someoneoffered me a million dollars or a life where I stayed right here in this moment forever, I would’ve chosen this.
So when Clem slid off my lap, my eyes fluttered open and disappointment hit me square in the chest. It felt like when you’re snuggled in front of the fireplace with a warm blanket and someone yanks it away. I wanted so badly to pull her back. She turned and her knee leaned on mine. It was something, at least.
“I’m sorry too.” She wiped her cheeks. “I promise I don’t usually cry this much.”
