Mustering the last bits of her courage, she said, “I pray you reconsider.”
“Your time would be better spent preparing for our marriage.”
“Perhaps, but nonetheless,” she said before gathering her remaining dignity and strolling toward the house. There was nothing left for her to say, and she did not wish to make a cake of herself by crying in front of him.
The first tears crested her eyes and rolled down her cheeks as she raced up the staircase toward her bedchamber. She was well and truly stuck unless she did something drastic. But what could she do? Mother and Father would never permit her to beg off, and the duke had been clear on his stance. The wedding would take place whether or not she wished for it.
She sat on the edge of her bed and sobbed. Olivia could not say how much time had past before her tears ran dry, but eventually, they did. She dabbed at her cheeks and under her eyes with a handkerchief. Turning into a watering pot would only serve to make the situation worse. She had to pull herself together.
Perhaps it was time for her to accept her fate. Maybe marriage to the duke would prove tolerable. She did enjoy his company and could not deny the passion between them. More than that, they had become friends of sorts.
If only he loved her…
She laid back on her bed and stared at the gilded ceiling. There had been a time in her life that she’d desperately wanted to marry and have her own family. Back then she’d had fanciful ideas of love. A handsome gentleman would sweep her away to Gretna Green and make her his. They would live happily ever after, and the duke would be a long-ago memory.
Once that dream faded she became determined to live an independent life. Olivia would become a spinster, eventually gain access to her dowery, and live out her life on her own terms.
Never had she imagined a life with him—not a happy one. It had long been her goal to escape the betrothal. What a cruel joke that she should find herself drawn to him now. More than that, she was in great danger of giving him her heart. If they married, she would no doubt give him everything--all of her--then suffer for it.
She’d love him while he treated her as property—staff, a governess of sorts to his sisters. The very thought sent a pain through her heart. Perhaps she already loved him?
Olivia rolled over and buried her face in the pillow.
In love with a man who did not have the ability to return her feelings… What a fool she’d become. If the situation were not so dire, she’d laugh at herself for the mess she’d made of it.
As it were… well, tomorrow would come whether or not she wished for it. She could only hope that a new day would bring clarity.
Yes, she would figure something out tomorrow. Make a decision—either marry the duke and make the best of whatever future he offered, or find a way to end their betrothal.
Chapter 10
For the next two days, Olivia awoke every bit as shaken by the kiss and determined to make a choice as she had been when she’d fled from the duke. This torture had to end, and it would do so today. Rather than joining her parents and the duke for the usual morning meal, she had a tray sent up to her room. She feigned a headache, opting to spend the day alone in her room. She had no wish to see the duke until she’d decided on her future.
Of that, Olivia was sure. She would be the one to decide whether or not they married. She pushed eggs around on her china plate. The last thing she wanted was marriage without love. The thought kept circling her mind making it impossible to ignore.
Equally impossible to ignore was the knowledge that if she gave the duke her body, there would be no taking back her heart. Nausea settled in, causing her belly to roll, and she pushed the china plate away.
By early afternoon, Olivia feared she would go mad if she stayed locked in her room dwelling on the same thought. The time to act had come, and she was almost sure that becoming the duke’s wife would not be her course. Her parents remained an obstacle for they would likely disown her. There would be no chance of Father turning her dowry over, so she’d have to make a future for herself without finances.
Olivia strolled across her room to the large floor to ceiling window. Pushing the frothy pink curtain aside, she leaned in and rested her forehead against the cold glass. When night fell, she would sneak away. Go to Juliet or Emma’s for the night, a few days, until she figured out where to settle and how to do so on her own.
There was a bit of pin money in her chest. Olivia stepped back and let the curtain fall into place. Retrieving a valise, she sat it on her bed then went to collect her money. Olivia lifted a velvet pouch from the small oak chest on her bedside table. The coins jingled as she opened it to peer inside. Not a great deal of money, but surely enough to see her through for a month or so.
Perhaps she could go to a small town on the other side of England and seek a position as a governess or companion. Assuming she found an honest employer, doing so would a lot her time to herself during which she could enjoy her own pursuits. Her spirits soared at the idea. Olivia could be quite happy living such a life.
The velvet bag landed in her valise with a chime of clanking coins before she added a couple of gowns, some underthings, and a few hair ribbons. She would not require too many fancy things, but for good measure added a ball gown. As a final thought, she dumped her jewelry box into the valise. Should the time come that her coin ran dry, the jewelry could be sold to sustain her for a while.
Satisfied, Olivia closed the valise then went to her desk and wrote two identical letters.
My dearest friends,
Iam sending this exact note along to each of you as I have no time to spare. The duke refuses to call off the wedding, and I cannot go through with it. Emma, I know what you are thinking and believe me, I considered doing that very thing. In the end, I concluded that a marriage of convenience would do naught other than break my heart. I need to seek refuge with one of you until I can settle on a permanent destination. Your parents, siblings, staff cannot know of my presence for I have no wish to be caught.
All of my gratitude and love,
O
Satisfied with what she’d written, she sealed the parchment, his her valise, and rang for a footman. She’d have one letter delivered to each of her friends and see which could accommodate her.Pray, let one of them be capable of the task.
