I forced myself to take another bite.
“I’m the oldest unmated werewolf there’s ever been, and I’m not handling it well. I’m barely functioning at all, to be clear. Wolves aren’t meant to be alone like this, and I can’t keep doing it. I either need you to reject me and put an end to all of it, or I need you to let me be your friend so I’m not this fucking alone all of the time.”
I blinked at him, my mouth full but my jaw not moving.
“I will suppress every werewolf instinct I have if that’s what it takes. I will buy you whatever you want. I will jump when you say jump, eat when you say eat, and sit if all you want me to do is sit. I just can’t keep living like this. I lost my fucking mind years ago, and every time I go back to my house alone, I wonder if tonight will be the night that my wolf finally takes over completely and I’m gone for good. If you only want to be friends, I will make being friends work.”
He reached over and plucked a piece of food off my plate. I didn’t try to bat his fingers away with my fork or knife, though I could’ve.
I handed him the fork as I chewed. He took the knife too, and cut into the meat.
After I swallowed, I spoke again. “My first mate was physically, mentally, and sexually abusive. I’ve worked through most of it, but another mate bond is the last thing I would ever want. If I’m going to consider spending any amount of time with you, I need a full explanation of what you’re dealing with. A very detailed one.”
From what he’d already said, I was absolutely confident I was the wrong person for what he was asking.
However, thanks to fate, I was also theonlyperson.
Which meant I was obligated to at least try to understand what was going on, because I wasn’t a complete asshole.
“My pack thinks it’s depression,” Ethan said. “It’s not. It’s just… hard to explain.” He dragged a hand through his hair, messing up the golden strands. Somehow, it made him even more attractive. “You know that feeling you have right before you shift? The one that’s like pins and needles, when you and your wolf are head-to-head and the shift could go either way?”
I nodded.
Definitely knew that feeling. I felt it all the time. It was awful.
“I feel thatconstantly. It’s hell. Like my wolf can’t settle and is thinking about taking over at any given second. Like I’ll never feel comfortable in my own skin again.”
“Don’t all werewolves feel that way?” I asked.
He looked at me like I was crazy. “What? No.Fuck, no. Why would you even think that?”
“No reason.” I looked down at my fingers to avoid looking at him. They were crazy dry. When was the last time I’d bothered with lotion?
He leaned over the table, his massive hands spread out on the fake wood. “You feel it too?”
“Maybe.”
“Maya,” he growled.
“Fine, yes. I feel it too. I thought it was normal.”
“Aren’t your friendshappyto be werewolves? How could you think discomfort was normal?”
“I thought they were just better at ignoring the sensations than I was. I haven’t shifted since I was with my ex, because of the fucked-up way I always feel.”
“That makes it even worse, Cupcake. You have to shift.” He sat back in his chair. “How old are you?”
“Rude question.”
The look he gave me told me he didn’t give a damn about being rude.
“Almost thirty,” I admitted reluctantly.
“How long have you been a werewolf?”
“Eleven years. So… my friends don’t feel this? You didn’t feel this when you were younger?”
“No. It came on gradually. I could ignore it a lot of the time at first, but I’m long past that.”
