He brushes his mittened thumb over my knuckles, blowing out a deep breath. “I know. Tess’s parents are great. I owe it to them to show up. I’ve been letting them down for years,” he says on a sigh.
I shake my head quickly. “You’re allowed to grieve at your own pace and hold the boundaries you need to hold.”
He nods once. “Thanks for saying that, Lu.”
“It’s true.” I swallow. “I’ll support you whatever you decide to do about the benefit dinner.”
He offers me a small smile. “I wish you could come with me.”
I suck in a breath. “I … I don’t know if that would be the best idea.”
He shakes his head quickly. “No, I know. I’d never want to put you on the spot like that. It’s—” He chuckles. “I don’t know. Everything’s better when you’re around.”
I roll my lips into my mouth, because now I’m really going to cry again.
TJ squares his shoulders and faces the tree farm. “Let’s do this.”
I nod and take a moment to collect myself. I wrap my scarf around my neck, letting it come up and cover my mouth.
He watches me closely as I straighten my beanie, making sure it’s pulled down over my forehead.
“There,” I say. “Ready.”
We wander toward the fence marking the entrance of the tree farm. The grounds are gorgeous. Snow glistens over the trees. There’s a big red barn straight ahead with a wooden sign on the door announcing free, homemade hot chocolate inside. My mouth instantly waters.
“Have you ever thought about ditching your disguises and coming clean?” TJ asks.
I glance up to find him studying me.
TJ motions to the scarf around my mouth. “Not that the bandit-on-the-run look isn’t a good one, but…” He shrugs, cracking a grin.
I chuckle, but then shrug back. “I don’t want to deal with people asking me questions.”
“What if people think that what you said was valid? Like me.”
“I don’t think too many people are willing to see the good in me like you are.” I still can’t quite believe he does. Not complaining. Just being honest.
“Do those people really matter then?” he asks. His tone is kind, not condemning. TJ isn’t asking about this to make me uncomfortable. He genuinely wants to know. He’s not pushing me, just probing, making sure I’m considering my position from all sides.
“I’d like to say no, but I don’t know if I’m strong enough to deal with the fallout,” I admit. TJ looks like he wants to say something else, but I keep talking. “I’m not ready to come out of hiding. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready.”
I adjust the scarf, unease warming my chilled skin more than the knit fabric. Why do I feel ashamed of my answer?
TJ nods and doesn’t press the point, but he’s planted a seed in the back of my mind of a what-if question that I’ve been avoiding. I let it be for now, but I’m conscious that it’s there, germinating right beneath the surface.
We make it to the barn entrance and are greeted by a pretty woman with a pregnant belly. She introduces herself as Laney and gives us the rundown on where we can find the different species of trees. TJ does most of the talking, and to Laney’s credit, she isn’t drooling at the sight of him in his winter attire. That makes one of us. Speaking from experience, it’s difficult not to drool. The man is like a well-built lumberjack. His barn jacket, jeans, and work boots are really doing it for me.
I check my thoughts. I can focus on TJ’s looks as the inspiration for Theo, but I shouldn’t be ogling him for my own sake. I wish I could ask Laney how she manages not to be affected by the sight of him. I need some pointers.
“Saws and sleds are against the fence, and you can pay in the barn whenever you’re done.” She smiles and flicks her gaze to me.
“Thanks.” I crinkle my eyes to let her know I’m smiling behind my scarf. It does make me feel a little sad to be constantly avoiding people—avoiding their gazes, avoiding conversations, staying solitary. I’m an introvert, so I do well alone, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like interacting with people. I open my mouth to say something—anything—to Laney, but she walks off toward the barn before I get a chance.
TJ grabs some gear for us and leads the way down the line of trees.
“It’s gorgeous out here,” he says over his shoulder. His hat is slightly askew, making him look youthful and delightful. “So here’s what I’m thinking. If I’m going to do this, I may as well go all out, right?” He looks to me for approval.
“Live, laugh, love,” I quote, and then immediately question if it was the right thing to say. That was TJ and Tess’s phrase. Am I overstepping? “Sorry.” I wince. “I didn’t mean to—”
