I wanted to smell his skin at dawn.
I wanted to feel his hug before I slept.
See his eyes in the silence.
Talk with him till the morning, fending off sleep.
Sense his body on mine.
His mischievous gaze.
His desire to know me.
I wanted him to come back.
I wanted him to stay.
I needed him in my life so bad…
75
Time passed slowly, and I returned to that routine I had missed so much. I got my job at the florist back and started giving ballet classes again. On the weekends, I helped my grandmother in the garden and she told me stories about our family and my father’s childhood. She had boxes full of photos, and I never got tired of looking at them.
On Sundays, I’d call my cousin Iván and chat for a while with my grandfather.
I also made a habit of keeping in touch with my mother, and our relationship started to flow effortlessly.
I stopped asking myself questions. Stopped looking for thatsomethingto fill the void I had always sensed inside myself. I stopped feeling lost and alone. Stopped living halfway. Stopped sleeping curled up in a ball.
The only thing I couldn’t break free of was the feeling of expectation that was crushing me. The waiting. The fear, the uncertainty of not hearing anything from Lucas.
Every day, I wanted to call him, but I knew that wouldn’t be fair for either of us. Freedom is a right, and you can’t take it from someone. The person who wants to go back always can. The person who wantsto stay can stay. If you want to, you can look for me, I thought. You can find me and never let me go.
My door was open. It was now up to him to decide if he wanted to come in.
In the meanwhile, I missed him.
Maybe I’d have to miss him forever.
76
What gives meaning to life are moments.
That truth became more and more mine as the days passed.
Little moments.
Simple moments.
Moments that fill the emptiness, overflow, make it disappear.
I learned to enjoy those moments. The details. What I had in front of me.
I learned to be that girl I wasn’t allowed to be back when I needed it.
77
Christmas lights, Christmas trees, nativity scenes had decorated the streets of Sorrento for weeks. It was cold, but there were still tourists everywhere. They always invaded the town for the Feast of the Immaculate Conception. People milled about in the markets, took photos under the giant Christmas tree in the Piazza Tasso, lined in front of the pastry shops for their Christmas treats. My favorite were the struffoli, little sweet balls of dough covered in honey and sprinkles.
