Once the train arrived in Naples, we went to the parking lot, where myparents’ATV was parked.Parents. I loved saying that. The very word tasted sweet.
Dante got behind the wheel, Giulio sat next to him, and I got in the back.
I tried to take part in the conversation for a few minutes, but the closer we got to Sorrento, the harder it was for me to speak. To say I was worried was an understatement. I was terrified to see all those people I had lied to and deceived. I hadn’t thought about that, but Giulio and Dante weren’t alone. Every single person there had thought I was someone I wasn’t, and they might not care how good my reasons were for doing so.
We got into town and turned down the narrow side streets, where everything now looked like autumn. I was coming home. I realized that now, and the thought made me shed a few tears.
My father turned back to see if I was all right, “Are you nervous?”
“Yeah.”
“You shouldn’t be.”
“I lied to them, too,” I said.
“That doesn’t matter anymore.”
I smiled and looked back at the wondrous panorama of the cliffsides. How I had missed those views.
Giulio wrapped an arm around me and pulled me into his side as we crossed the yard and reached the villa.
Nothing had changed.
It smelled the same: of lemon and sea.
I pushed the door to the vestibule open, and the memories rained down on me, full of laughter, magic, talk.
Full of life.
Giulio stopped me before I started to head upstairs, taking my hand and guiding me out to the patio, where I saw the table where we’d enjoyed so many dinners, the trees with their garlands of bulbs, the wicker chairs under the branches.
Unconsciously, I brought my hand to my chest as I crossed the threshold and felt the world start to spin around me. All of them were there: Angela, Marco, the kids, Monica and her babies, Tiziano, Roy, Julia, Iria, Blas… They looked almost like they were posing for a photo.
I held on to my father to keep from stumbling.
Catalina broke away from them and came to meet me, and everything I’d done to keep my emotions in check failed. She opened her arms and I ran to let her hold me. We remained that way a long time, her gripping me tight, me swaying against her body.
I felt so little. Like a baby girl. And also so loved.
When we separated, she dried my tears with her fingers as I told her I was sorry.
She smiled and shook her head. “You don’t have to say sorry for anything. Your mother told me all there was to tell, and all I care about is whether or not you’re OK.”
“I am.”
She took my face in her hands and kissed me on the forehead. “I’m so happy to have you back.”
“Thank you, Catalina.”
“No more calling me Catalina. Nonna, you can call me Nonna. It means Grandma, but I guess you know that by now.”
I laughed, and she hugged me again, and finally I felt home.
74
That first night back in the villa, I couldn’t sleep. I spent hours awake, walking around the apartment, then, finally, I got into Lucas’s bed. I curled up and hugged the pillow, thinking of all the time we’d spent between those sheets.
His things were still there, his clothes still in the closet, his scent still lingering all over. Every corner of that apartment belonged to him, and his presence hovered there like a ghost I couldn’t see but could feel. I couldn’t even conceive of that space without him, and the mere idea that he might not come back was a torment to me.
