19
Does It Have a Name? Is It Going Somewhere…?
I’ve always been a good girl, but what I wanted was to be free. I couldn’t say how many times I’d fallen, how many times I’d risen up from the ground broken, how many cracks I bore, how many pieces of me were missing. I was sunny on the outside, but inside the storm was always raging. Now, though, I felt myself falling upward, and I was poised to land in the present. A present that was full of dreams.
I didn’t want to stay there with the door closed, watching life through the peephole. I wanted to cross the threshold. I wanted to decide about things and not worry about the consequences. I wanted to live for myself, to do things on my own. To depend on me and no one else. To love, to yearn. To accept that this is who I am, this is who life has made me. Maybe I’ll feel alone, maybe I’ll suffer when I don’t want to. But how long the pain lasts depends on me.
Loving doesn’t mean the other person loves you back. But that’s also not a reason to give up on it.
Love exists whether we want it or not.
It’s love that chooses, and you just have to follow along.
I’d never have reached that point with Trey if I hadn’t been led along by his words, by his way of understanding me, by that ease with which he looked into me and saw things I didn’t know existed. At thesame time, he’d taught me that I didn’t need him to pass through that door. I didn’t need him or anyone else. Just myself. Because there’s only one person who knows what I’m thinking, what I’m feeling. One person who always laughs and cries with me. And that’s me.
We can’t always wait for someone to put out a safety net for us before we jump.
If you want to be happy, you have to try.
I don’t know how long I stayed in bed thinking all this over. I could have stayed there even longer, floating in the calm waters of my emotions. It was the first Monday in September, Labor Day in Canada.
I kept following my thoughts as I showered. The rational and the irrational ones. Some were clear as daylight; others were confused and tangled. I had taken a step the night before with Trey. That had set something in motion. And I wasn’t going to stop it now.
I dressed and grabbed my things. After a few tries, I managed to get my sister on the phone. I couldn’t keep her on the line long, but I could tell that she was happy. She told me how scared and excited she’d been to swim with the sharks. That despite her claustrophobia, she’d enjoyed her deep-sea diving class that Scott had gotten her. Then she started in with the questions, and I had to bite my tongue not to let it all out.
“So, you’re going to keep the bookstore? Are you going to write, too?”
“Yeah. That’s the plan.”
“My God, Harper. You can’t imagine how happy that makes me. Deep down I knew it. I knew that was the decision you’d make. You’re a compulsive romantic, and there’s nothing you can do about it. You’re emotional, and sensitive, and you were born to be free. To dream.” She sounded prouder of me with each loving word, and that made me weepy. “We’ll celebrate when we’re both back, okay?”
“Yeah, that’ll be amazing. Hayley?”
“Yeah?”
“How come you didn’t just tell me what to do before?”
“Babe, I did tell you, lots of times. But you didn’t listen. You needed to see it for yourself.”
I nodded even though she couldn’t see me. And I closed my eyes, imagining her gentle face.
“Harper, you know I’m here for everything you need. The same goes for Hoyt and Scott. We’re your family.”
She was trying hard to wring the tears out of me, but I held on until we said goodbye a short while later. Then I sent a message to Hoyt. He responded with a selfie from the beach that warmed my heart. Was that an octopus he had on his head?
Trey wasn’t in his room, so I went downstairs. I tried to be cheerful, but I was trembling inside.
Trembling from uncertainty.
Trembling because I had no idea how to act around him now.
Trembling because my feelings were growing too big for me to handle.
“Have you seen my friend?” I asked the receptionist as I turned in my key.
“I think he’s outside.”
“Thanks.”
