I saw her for a moment, her wild blond hair pulled into a long braid, her vitality seeming to multiply itself as she clapped for me and shouted while I pedaled one foot after another until I made it all the way around the fountain.
Maybe it wasn’t so bad, being afraid.
Maybe it was one more part of the motor that kept me living.
Maybe it was necessary, because feeling pain is better than feeling nothing at all.
25
I Would Have Asked Him to Stay
I saw him as soon as I walked through the glass doors. He was leaning against a column paging through a newspaper, wearing a white shirt with rolled-up sleeves, gray jeans, and black sneakers. To say he was handsome would be the understatement of the century.
He looked up, at me, through me. I tried to act normal, not like a person hopelessly in love; but I was one, and I failed. The wordsI love youdanced on the tip of my tongue, but I held them back.
Trey walked toward me and raised a finger, motioning for me to walk toward him. I hurried over and threw myself into his arms. His lips covered mine with a hot kiss.
“Hey,” he whispered.
“Hey.”
“Everything good?”
I knew what he meant. I had just said goodbye to an important part of my life, and I still felt like I was wandering in a cloud, and nothing seemed quite real.
“Yeah. I think so.”
“Then let’s go celebrate.”
He guided me to the car and put my suitcase in the trunk, and we drove away.
“Where are we headed?”
“I thought we could get dinner somewhere relaxing and then have a drink after. Maybe go dancing.”
“Dancing?”
“Yeah, dancing. Is that weird? You say it like it was something for girls to enjoy and for guys to force themselves to do so they can get laid afterwards.”
“No!” I shouted. “It’s just… I’ve never gone out with a guy who liked to dance before.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Have you gone out with a lot of guys?”
“Why is that any of your business?”
“Just curious…”
He smiled, and I did, too. It was fun, talking nonsense with him, not thinking of anything, really, and certainly not of tomorrow. It was liberating.
“Well, what’s clear to me is you were never going to get anywhere with those guys. You were obviously waiting for me.”
“Now that’s self-assurance,” I said. I looked over at him, and he returned the gesture as we waited for the light to change. “What about you… Have you been with lots of girls?”
He rested his hand on my thigh and rubbed it softly.
“One-night stands. Friends with benefits. Nothing exclusive, nothing serious. I was waiting for you, too.”
I leaned over and gave him a quick kiss.
