‘You said since your pregnancy scare, but that’s all it was. Just a scare.’
‘I know, and I thought it was just me being scared in the moment. LikeHoly shit, this was not supposed to happen!You know? And I had to take that time thinking about all the possibilities – do I want to be a mom, now or ever? Do I want to get into this field that I happened to connect with when I was twelve? Do I want to take someone else’s place at a school that I only really have set in my brain because my parents put it there?’
That last one resonated with me. But that wasn’t what I was doing, right? Yes, I wanted to go to La Mère as a way to honor my dad, but also it was agreatschool. It had a great faculty, and it was prestigious and hard to get into. Sure, there were plenty of schools other than Johns Hopkins, but there weren’t any better than La Mère.
‘Also,’ she said, shrugging, ‘I think the idea for this existed way before the pregnancy scare. I think me stressing over not wanting to go was one of the things that made me late.’
‘So you’re just gonna …’ I shook my head. ‘I’m sorry, my brain is melting down.’
‘Welcome to the club.’
‘So what’s your plan, then?’ I asked. ‘You’re just going to take a gap year or two and work at Sunset Estates?’
She gave me the glare again. ‘No, Tommy. The point of taking the gap year or two is tofigure outthe plan. My parents had life insurance that went to me in a trust. I just need to get my uncle to agree to let me use it for something that isn’t school.’
‘Something like what?’
‘I’ve been thinking I want to travel. Leave Pennsylvania and see other places, in the US and abroad. Figure out if there’s anything else I want to do with my life.’
‘Travel?’
Ava laughed. ‘It’s good enough for middle-aged white women going through a divorce. If I have the means, why shouldn’t I?’
‘Because you’re not middle-aged; you’re seventeen.’
‘So I need to know right now how I want tospendmy middle age? Fuck that!’
‘But you’re not going to figure that out through traveling. You can go to school and still travel.’
‘You’re being reductive now. It’s not about traveling; it’s about me not wanting to go to school for what I thought I wanted to go for. And maybe I don’t want to waste money and take up someone else’s spot when the point is Idon’t knowwhat I want.’ She crossed her arms. ‘Honestly, I thought you’d be more supportive.’
‘Supportive of you throwing your life away?’
‘I really can’t tell if you’re being willfully dense or if you’re just too consumed with yourself.’
‘I’m not worried about me right now. I’m worried about you regretting this decision later.’
And what happened if the early-decision Scarlet Letter followed her after her gap year? Maybe that would keep her from ever being accepted to any school in the future.
‘Then I’ll deal with that then!’ She sighed and shook her head. ‘But I don’t think I will regret it. Even if I realize later that I’m delaying what I always wanted. I’d rather regret doing something than regretnotdoing something. I feel like even you can relate to that.’
‘How? I’mgoingto La Mère if I get in.’
She gave me aGirl, really?look and crossed her arms. ‘I’m talking about Gabe.’
What did Gabe have to do with college? Or evenherchoosing not to go to school? Ava was there ready with the answer.
‘It’s been four months of you following him around, trying to get his attention. Butter brawling for his honor. Flirting shamelessly. Having him help you with your video. But Gabe is still with his boyfriend and hasn’t given you the time of day.’
That wasn’t true. We watched TV shows together over the phone. We texted all the time. He sent me clips of the short films he was making for his video production class at Murphy and asked my opinion on them.
But Ava wasn’t finished. ‘You have this toxic nostalgia for him polluting your mind. He’s not the same kid you fell for, and he’s still not into you.’
‘We hang out all the time.’
‘Youworktogether. You’re chasing after him while he takes advantage and uses you for whatever he’s not getting from Vic. You didn’t even do the early decision for La Mère like we had talked about.’
‘Because I want to submit something to make me stand out!’
