What.
The.
Fuck?
FIFTEEN
JACKSON
Sophia does some weird sidestep thing and waves toward the hallway as though it’s the greatest thing she’s ever seen. Like she couldn’t be prouder to have Patel peruse her house.
Patel dodges right around her arm and heads toward the very room Leland had disappeared into. That’s when I hear a glass shatter and Patel rushes forward to see what it is, only to find Leland standing in front of the fridge with the fridge door open as far as it can possibly go.
Leland looks up when we enter andsomehowpulls off looking natural. “Oh fuck. Sophia, I really wanted some jam, so then I grabbed the jar and it just like shot between my fingers… why was it so slick on the outside? Why the fuck was your jam all lubed up, Sophia? What were you doing with thejam?” he asks as he looks down at the red jam splattered all over the floor then looks at his hand in horror.
“Hon, you’re letting all of the cold air out of the fridge,” I say, bewildered by this spectacle. If his plan is to horribly confuse Patel, he’s accomplishing it.
“It’s fine, it’s fine! He’s more than welcome to do that,” Sophia says.
“Thank you, Sophia! I knew I liked you more than Tavish!”
“Haven’t you known Tavish like… a while? That’s sure some compliment!”
“Too long, actually. Detective Patel, if you want to arrest someone, may I suggest Tavish?”
“Leland, be nice to Tavish,” I say.
“Let me help you with that,” Patel offers, reaching for a paper towel just as I watch an arm peek out from behind the fridge. And with the arm comes a head. Like… some man just doing a good ol’ “Peek-a-boo!” to the detective. The main problem with this is the man looks none too alive.
Leland, who I realize is pinning the body against the wall with the fridge door, doesn’t notice the man waving for help from the afterlife. I dive across the kitchen, nearly plow Patel to the ground, and shimmy in front of the body.
“No, really, it’s okay! We got it. Finish your house sweep,” I assure her. “I’ll help Leland. You have more important things to do than clean up some jam.”
Her eyebrows knit just a little for some unknown reason. Like how could she possibly think any part of this is suspicious? How could she think two men who are body blocking a fridge door that’swideopen—while staring down at jam that I now realize is covering up a fuckingblood spot—could be suspicious?
She gives a nod and follows Sophia, who looks ready to tear her hair out. The second Patel turns to her, Sophia’s entire expression turns from Shrek who just had someone waltz into his swamp and then died on his doorstep to Snow White welcoming the wildlife into her home.
“This way,” she says. “Anything you want to look at or see, feel free to open it up.”
Seriously? Could she not besowelcoming to the detective? Leland and I have nothing to do with this murder, but we’ve now joined in on it with open arms for some reason!
I wait until I hear their footsteps disappear before turning to look at Leland with the widest eyes. “What. The. Actual. Fuck?” I mouth to him.
“You like Buck? Who the fuck is Buck? I will fuck Buck up, Jackson. How dare you! My heart! Is this Buck?” He jabs a finger at the dead guy.
“I said what the fuck!” I hiss.
“Oh. The body?” he whispers.
“Yes, the fuckingbody.”
“I know, right? Like I didn’t know which way to go, and then she was coming and none of the cupboards would have fit him, so then this is what I got. Now… where the fuck do we take him?”
“Garage.”
“Is there a place to hide him in the garage? You know her nosy ass will be in there before we know it.”
“We’ll… throw something over him. Fuck if I know. Just… we can’t stand here with the fridge door open for the next twenty minutes and expect her not to notice something is wrong!”
