Asmodeus eyes me for a second before saying, “Do you understand how… impractical a suit is? There’s no flexibility.” He puts his foot up on a stump and hip thrusts a few times, like that will show off the flexibility of his clothes. “You need to be able to move. Rotate those hips.” He’s now leaning down and his ass is filling out every inch of those pants.
I whip out a map, hold it close to my face, and check the coordinates before setting off. “Let’s go.”
“Oh… we’re like… really doing this?” Landon asks. “I thought we were just like popping a tent in my mom’s backyard or something and calling it camping so I could run inside after August falls asleep and sleep in a real bed.”
“This is so exciting,” August says, beaming as he hurries after me. “How far to our camping spot?”
“According to the map, it’s three miles,” I respond.
The gasp that comes out of Landon is unnatural. “Jesus Christ almighty… three human miles? Or three ant miles?” Zacia is more excited than he is as she trots after August and slaps a perfectly innocent butterfly to the ground.
“Wouldn’t it be the same?” Asmodeus asks.
“Deus, you are supposed to be on my side, dammit!” Landon cries.
“Right. How dare those ants walk three miles!” Asmodeus says, which… wasn’t the point at all, but no one is going to tell him that.
I ignore all of them and keep walking. Because of the current tensions between superheroes and citizens, Valerie insisted we go camping somewhere that isn’t heavily populated. Things are definitely better, but there’s been enough turmoil in the city that she thought it’d be best to keep August and the others from being in a place where they’d be stalked by the good and the bad. It also helps that this is a place August has camped before, during the rare times they’ve allowed him to relax.
I really had no interest in camping with them, but Valerie asked, and the second someone like Valerie asks me to do something, I feel obligated to go along. Asmodeus then decided he’d go because he has the ultimate fear of missing out. And Lex… I think Lex joined us so he wouldn’t get stuck doing hero things when no one else is there to do them.
“Deus, since you came here, that must mean you want to carry me,” Landon declares.
“I can literally still see the vehicle,” I say.
Landon glances back at it. I’m not even good at throwing things, and we’re so close I’m confident I could toss a stone and hit it.
“So… we have to have walked at least two miles then, right? How far can the human eye see?” Landon asks.
“Up to three miles with twenty-twenty vision,” I say. “But not in the woods with copious trees and brush to disrupt our view.”
“Ellison, I stopped listening after you said we’ve already gone three miles,” Landon tells me.
“DidI say that?”
Landon groans a bit, but everyone else seems to be enjoying the walk.
“I was skeptical, but it’s so pretty out here,” Lex comments. “I really like it.”
“Good! I’m glad!” August says as he charges ahead. I guess since this is his expedition, I should loosen the reins a little and let him take the lead.
“You know where you’re going?” I ask.
“I do! I’ve camped out here multiple times,” he says, which I knew, but it doesn’t mean he knows the optimal path.
It kills me as I slowly fold up the map and cram it into my back pocket. It hurts. It hurts, but I just grit my teeth and suffer.
“Are you constipated?” Asmodeus asks. “If you are, I’ll find you some berries that will reverse thatimmediately. Like… you want to make sure your pants areoff,if you get my drift.”
I quickly look over at him. “I am not… and are you planning on poisoning me?”
“Ah, your face just looked like you were. Glad you’re not. It’s no fun being constipated out here in the woods. Not fun to have the shits, either.”
“Wait a bloody second,” Landon says. “Where… where do we go to the bathroom?”
“You dig a little hole, but make sure you’re not squatting in any poison ivy, you hear me? That stuff on your balls isnotfun. Take it from me,” Asmodeus says.
“No… I will not take it from you. I will never take any of this because this is not happening… August! August, dear. My love. My sweets who left this very important information out. I have to go to the bathroomin the woods?”
