“I didn’t… it was… I was joking!”
“I fear you’re not. Tell me, my dear, what comes after sex? A baby, right?”
“Not if the condom was on right.”
“Ah damn,” he teases. “I wanted a little hellspawn to raise with you.”
“We can’t even take care of ourselves, good lord, we’re not taking care of any children.”
“That’s a defeatist attitude. I’ve actually taken care of many children before. Where I’m from, parents didn’t raise the children, you see? And because I was the highest ranking, I wasgiven the very important duty of teaching them how to shoot people.”
“We’ll pretend that’s not concerning.”
“And how to shiv someone.”
“Also that.”
“And how to hide a body. Which means… if you’d like anyone to disappear… simply say the name,” Asmodeus whispers into my ear. And it’s odd because it’s like a sexy whisper but the context sure as fuck isn’t sexy in the slightest!
“No! I don’t want you to go kill people for me or something!”
“Well, don’t let anyone else do it if you ever want to, you hear me?”
“I’m not asking youoranyone else to murder someone for me.”
“Just keep it in mind… you have my number.”
“I do.”
I’m quiet for a minute before asking a question that’s been at the top of my mind.
“Were you okay… seeing her?” I ask.
“Lilith?”
“Yeah. I know you said it made you feel better… but I was afraid I fucked something up… I rushed you.”
His fingers press into my sides. “It wasn’t rushed at all. I needed to be pulled out of the hell that’s my mind.”
“You act like nothing bothers you. You have this whole…” I pause, not even sure how to explain it, “life… that you suffered through and still, you act like it’s okay. How do you not let it destroy you?”
Asmodeus is silent for a long moment. “I think you give me more credit than I deserve. Ellison… you know how people cut themselves off from things that hurt them? Do you know what that feels like?”
“Yes. After my brother died, I felt like I became a husk.”
“I was caught up in an environment where that’s the only way I was allowed to live. I did things without question, as I’d been raised to do my entire life. I’m not a good person, Ellison. But I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life, and I would destroy the world to keep you safe… so please… let me help you. You said that you think that I act like everything is fine, but that’s because being around you and the others has shown me what it means to care… and made me realize that I don’t regret a single thing I did.”
“I’m sorry for everything you went through,” I say.
“Do I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to have a family that cared for me since I was born? Maybe… but I’m so happy right now that it’s been a long time since I even thought of it.”
“How? How can you just… I feel like I’m a wreck… and I didn’t even go through the hell you did.”
“Your pain is your own. You can’t compare stories and decide that you shouldn’t hurt because someone else experienced something different. That’s not why I said what I did. I just wanted you to know that I am happiest right here with you, no matter what comes for me. And I’m not afraid of going to the darkest depths to keep you safe. Now do you want to talk to me about your life? About what you’re feeling?”
My fingers dig into his shirt. As I lay in bed all of those nights just wanting someone… anyone… I started to believe I’d never have it. And as I got older, I stopped looking for it. I decided my father was right, that I wasn’t worth being loved.
I feel weight behind me, and I turn my head to see Aspen crawling in behind me before hugging me.
