El looks exasperated over Aspen’s words. “What does that solve? Where the fuck do you think he’s going to live? Where’s he going to work? How’s he going to get money? You think he’s just going to wander around and suck cock in the hope some perverted old man will let him sleep on his couch?”
“Just stop. Please,” I beg, unable to take them bickering any longer. “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t. Please, I want it to end.”
“Then end it,” El says. “You are everything your parents want you to be—they just refuse to acknowledge it because of us. But I don’t know that this will change anything, no matter how much you wish it will.”
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” I whisper. “I think it will. I think they’ll love me again.”
“You’re going to have no one!” Aspen yells. “Otto is going away to college. If you get rid of us, who will you have?”
“Maybe I’ll have the life Otto has if I’m not like this,” I say. “Maybe I’ll have their praise, and friends like he does. Maybe I won’t be so fucking alone.”
I push forward and step into the clinic, knowing that if I don’t… I’m not sure how much longer I can keep moving forward like this.
The toxins rip through me but as the sickness comes in waves, my illusions never come with it. When I call them, they’re not there, they’re not reachable. And when I throw up and hug the toilet so I don’t collapse, it’s not relief that washes over me but a devastating sense of aloneness.
And just as it starts to overwhelm me, the door opens and Otto steps in.
“Did Father make you do this?” he asks.
“I chose to,” I say.
“Did it work?”
“I think it did. I think it did.”
Otto is all smiles, like I’ve done something right for once. “That’s good! That’s fantastic. Father will be so happy to hear the news.”
“I can’t get up to tell him,” I say as I sink down onto the bathroom floor, begging for the sickness to leave me.
“I’ll call him up here so you can tell him.”
Otto leaves and a few minutes later, he returns with my father and mother in tow.
“I went back to the clinic and it worked this time. My power is gone,” I announce as I look up at the man towering over me.
“You think that’s going to fix everything? The damage is already done,” he snaps.
“But… it’s what you wanted.”
“No, what I wanted was for you to have been born normal.”
“I see,” I say.
“Otto, don’t you have a date tonight?” Mother asks, like she’s not fazed by anything happening before her. “You should get ready. She’s such a lovely girl.”
“I didn’t realize it was that late,” Otto responds as he turns from me with Mother and Father, and I’m left watching them walk away. The door shuts and I’m locked into a prison of solitude.
Of course I’m alone, because I destroyed the only two people who really cared about me.
“No… no, no… El… Aspen… please, please come back,” I whisper. I try as hard as I can to call for them, but I can’t even feel them. A headache roars, and still, I beg for them. I curl up on the floor, sobbing and feeling more alone than I’ve ever been.
What have I done in my attempt to be liked by those monsters?
Days stretch into weeks as I stop going to school. Instead, I fester in the solitude of my room. Father yells at me like clockwork every day. Mother ignores me and Otto gets caught up in his own life. After a few weeks of that, Father starts dragging me to school himself and walking me inside while he tells me how embarrassing it is to have to walk me to class like I’m a toddler. And that I’m blessed he has money to make my absences all go away.
But the moment he looks away, I go into the bathroom and hide until the final bell rings. There’s so much silence in my world, and I’d never realized how alone I could really feel. I feel like everyone is judging me and everyone hates me.
I debate running away like Aspen had suggested, and I get as far as going to some truck stop and finding a man who invites me into the cab of his semi with the promise of taking me away.
