“I was thinking that today, we could keep chatting about Trans Awareness Week, figure out what we want to do, maybe break out into groups depending on who wants to run what thing?” he says. His eyes are still sparkling. They’re so pretty.
Oh my god, no. Stop.
“Yes. Yeah. That sounds great!” I force a smile, hoping it masks how absolutely weird I must look right now. My thoughts are so loud, I’m surprised everyone can’t hear them.Maybe they CAN—
No.
“Cool,” he says, and turns away suddenly, and it feels like dropping off a cliff, the absence of his attention. Alexander is there, gesturing about something.
“It’s tomorrow, are you coming?” he asks Forrest.
“Fuck yeah!” Forrest says.
Alexander’s eyes land on me. “You should come too, Sid! Jayden’s going to be there, and he said he was going to invite you all.”
“To what?” I say, forcing the babble of words and images in my head into the background.
“My breaking competition,” Alexander says. “It’s hosted by the studio I dance with and there’s like thirteen crews coming from around the area, local ones, Portland, even Los Angeles. Mine is the best though.” He pretends to flip invisible long hair.
“That’s so cool,” I say.
“What’s up?” Jayden joins us, followed by Makayla and Anna. Alexander tells them about his competition, and they all clap and say yes of course, and then everyone exclaims over Makayla’s hair, and I stand there like a gargoyle, frozen in stone, seeing it all unfold:
Tomorrow.
The competition.
A whole day with Forrest, laughing at his jokes, breathing in the pine forest smell of him, feeling the warmth of his body radiating next to mine, the way I can feel him now, even though we’re not touching, the way I could feel him last night on the other side of the table. He jumped up when Shar got home and shook her hand as if he was forty years old instead of sixteen, and then made small talk with her for ten minutes before running out to his mom’s car, and then he rolled down the window and flashed me a peace sign that turned into an enthusiastic wave until the car rounded the corner out of sight. I’d gone back inside, straight to my room, and sat there for thirty minutes straight, staring at the wall, replaying the entire afternoon, how good it had felt, how easy, how right. Even though the knowledge of my crush was like a swarm of bees swirling under my skin.
The second bell rings and we all take our seats, Forrest right next to me.
“So, we were working on locking down stuff for Trans Awareness Week last meeting,” he says, clapping his hands together. “How’s that looking?”
“I heard back from that nonprofit I mentioned,” Nyx says, raising a hand. “They’re down to send someone to speak next week, and they’re going to do it for free. I guess one of their employees was a student here back in the day?”
“Mx. Prager said we could host the speaker in the library as a pull-out event,” Riley adds. “So anyone who wants to attend needs to get signed out for fifth period. Trans Awareness Week doesn’t start ’til Thursday, but the library is booked by other classes the last half of the week, so we’ll need to do it Tuesday.”
“More Trans Awareness Week?” Mercury interjects, smiling. “Sign me up. Everyone should be aware of me.” She twirls one long blue strand of hair around her finger.
“More likebe-ware,” Riley says, clicking their nails at Mercury.
“That too,” she says, letting out a villainous laugh.
“Hell yeah,” Forrest says, and turns to me. “Sidney, are you still good to co-moderate the panel with me? I thought we could take turns asking questions.”
I make a noise of assent, nodding. Forrest’s leg is inches away from mine, and all I want is to put my hand on his thigh.
I have a crush on Forrest. In all these weeks of meeting with him, it turned out he wasn’t annoying, or awful, or out to ruin the club. He’s the opposite: funny, and caring, andthoughtful. When I’m around him, my anxiety movies turn off, and I feel like I’m actually living in the present instead of fighting off a million possible catastrophic futures.
I want to tell him how I feel, but at the same time, I’m scared. What if it changes everything, and for the worse?
I can’t. Not just yet.
I can hide my feelings at Queer Alliance, but can I manage a whole day? I don’t know, but I want to go to Alexander’s competition. I want to be with my friends. I want to be with Forrest.
Oh my god.
I want to be with Forrest.
