I take my time arranging the snacks onto a plate, willing my body to calm down. The last time I felt this way, it was freshman year, when I had a crush on—
I freeze, hands full of dried mangos. That’s what this is, this static electricity circling just under my skin, the lurching in my stomach, the sudden awareness of exactly where Forrest is and what he’s doing. The way I can hear every little sound as he shifts in his chair and rifles through his notes.
I have a crush on Forrest.
How the fuck did this happen?!
“Sidney!" Makayla’s voice shakes me out of my head the next morning. I’ve been staring into my locker, lost in swirling thoughts for who knows how long, and when I look over I’m surrounded by my friends: Jayden on one side, Anna on the other, and—
“Check it out,” Makayla says as I turn around. She fluffs her hair with a grin as my mouth drops open. “Got it done after school yesterday.”
“Oh my god! It looks so good!”
When I saw them yesterday at school, their hair was long, past their collarbone, but today, their curls have been sculpted into a short mullet, halo-like around the crown of their head, longer strands tapering below their ears, with fresh blond highlights woven into their natural dark brunette, almost black color.
“Makayla, you look...” I search for words, not sure what will feel right to them.
“Like a nonbinary baddie?” They strike a pose, one hand under their chin, eyes tilted to the ceiling like a glamorous diva.
“Exactly.” I smile back. “Do you love it?”
“I’ve been wanting to do this for so long, you don’t even know,” she says. “I can’t wait to show it off at Queer Alliance. Everyone’s going to freak.”
“Now we’re all trans!” Anna said. “The agenda is working!”
My friends chatter on, but Makayla’s words echo in my head. Queer Alliance is today. I’m going to see Forrest, which makes me happy, but also, I’m going to see Forrest, and that’s terrifying.
He stayed yesterday for a few hours, typing away on his laptop while I stared at my own, willing the words to come for my essay. But all I could think about was him, sitting across from me; him, in my house; him, sitting in my bathroom, face inches away from mine, and the way he bit his bottom lip. His lips, and wanting to feel them on mine. And then I’d glance at him over the top of my screen, and he’d look up and stick his tongue out, or crack a joke, or just smile, and I could feel myself blush.
Has he guessed? After he went home, did he spend the whole night thinking about me the way I was thinking about him until I finally fell asleep? Will he see it on my face the moment I walk in?
Does he have a crush on me too?
When the lunch bell rings, my heart jumps like it’s been electric-shocked. I haven’t seen Forrest all day. Maybe he’sabsent? I rush to my locker, grab my lunch, and head for Mr. Harrison’s classroom, scanning the hallways around me. No sign of him.
As I near the door, my steps slow. I can hear voices inside, the squeak of chairs pushed across the floor, and Forrest’s laugh cuts through the noise, ringing out to where I’m standing now. Just a few more steps, and I’ll be inside. Just a few more steps, and I’ll see him.
I take one step forward, then another, until I’m standing in the doorway.
Then I see him, at last. Forrest is setting up for the meeting with a couple other people. No one has noticed me yet, and a wild thought spikes in my brain:RUN AWAY.
I don’t want to. Queer Alliance is my space, my home.
RUN AWAY
I force myself to lift my foot and set it down in front of me,RUN AWAY,and again,RUN AWAY,until I’m inside the classroom.
The second he glimpses me, Forrest’s whole face lights up and it’s like I see every moment of it in slow motion: his mouth unfurling into a broad smile, all his teeth showing, his cheeks scrunching up, eyes filling with sparkle, the corners of his eyes crinkling back to his temples. Oh my god, I noticed his eye crinkles.
“Hey,” I say, and it sounds like I’m underwater. My heart is thumping like it’s going to burst out of my chest.I’m going to have a heart attack and die.No, you’re not.I AM I AM. My chest hurts it’s happening now I’m going to collapse and—
No,I tell myself. I cross to a desk and plop my lunch down on it, my bag in the seat, and pull it into the circle. Forrest is beside me, dragging another chair.
“You weren’t in first period,” I say, as casually as possible.
“Dentist appointment,” he says, and bares his teeth.
“Very nice. Very white.” I look away. I probably shouldn’t stare at his mouth.
