13
PIPER
Forty-five minutesand copious amounts of sibling side-eye later, my sister and I are taking a short hike on the trail behind the cabin. This much-needed (by me, at least) nature break is quiet except for our footsteps crunching on pine needles and the sounds of birds and squirrels doing their woodland creature thing in the trees overhead.
Beast—Sadie and Ian’s so-ugly-he’s-cute rescue mutt—leads the way, and watching him prance down the trail like he’s the king of the forest makes me miss Max and his furry version of unconditional love. We’re walking at an easy pace after my previous issue hiking. Following Sadie feels steady and familiar, and as some of the stress I’ve been carrying this morning eases, I’m grateful she suggested we get out of the house.
Give the boys time to talk, she’d said. Which really means give Felix and Ian space to have whatever conversation brothers need to have when one of them drops a bomb about suddenly becoming a guardian to a toddler.
There was a crap ton of tension in the kitchen this morning after that revelation, with Felix defensive and Ian obviously pissedat not being told about Ellie. Then another round of morning sickness hit, which upset both Sadie and Felix, but I had to hide it because Ellie isn’t the only thing Ian doesn’t know about yet. And the sweet girl picked up on the strain and somehow decided all of it was Ian’s fault. She burst into tears when his deep voice rose, and it took both Felix and me to calm her down.
“Do you think they’re okay?” I glance back toward the cabin even though we can’t see it through the trees.
Sadie adjusts her ponytail, her blonde hair shining in the late morning sunlight filtering through the forest. “They’ll be fine. I think he’s most upset that Felix didn’t tell him.”
I kick at a rock on the trail. “Felix is trying to find someone from Julie’s family to take Ellie permanently, someone more equipped to raise a child than he is.”
“Yeah.” Sadie’s voice goes soft. “That sounds like Felix.”
“What do you mean?”
She pauses and reaches out to press her palm against the trunk of a pine tree, as if the rough bark can answer that question. “Things weren’t easy for Ian and Felix growing up. You know some of it. But their parents...” She shakes her head. “There were a lot of lies and secrets. Their mom and dad hated each other, and the boys ended up as collateral damage in the divorce. It affected both of them, more than either wants to admit.”
I rub two fingers against my suddenly aching chest. “That’s awful.” Though it explains some of Felix’s doubts about raising Ellie.
“They don’t talk about it much.” Beast gives a little bark likekeep it moving, and Sadie starts walking again. “But Ian’s shared some of what happened. Their parents didn’t fight over custody. They fought over who got abreakfrom custody, as if the boys were a burden to be passed back and forth instead of children to be loved.”
“Jesus.”
“And then Felix...” She looks over her shoulder at me, her expression troubled. “Under all those muscles and tattoos beats the heart of a golden retriever who keeps getting dumped on the side of the road by someone he thought was his person. He’s been left three times, Piper. And Ronnie cheated on him with Russ, who was supposed to be his friend as well as his teammate.” Sadie shakes her head. “It really did a number on him. Ian says Felix doesn’t believe he’s capable of being enough for anyone long-term. He’s decided women break up with him because they know he’ll eventually let them down the way their dad always did.”
I swallow hard, remembering the vulnerable look on Felix’s face this morning when I told him about the baby. It was more than shock, and different than anger that I’d kept it from him. Now I wonder if I was seeing a glimpse of that golden retriever scared of being hurt again.
“But he has so much to give,” I say quietly. “If he could just see that.”
“I know.” Sadie brushes a strand of hair out of her face. “And I think deep down, he does too. He just doesn’t trust himself not to screw it up. Being left—first by their parents, who made it crystal clear neither of them wanted the responsibility, then by three women he loved—it messed him up. Ian says some guys can’t adjust to real life once their career ends. They’ve spent so long being defined by football that they don’t know who they are without it. And Felix...” She sighs. “Felix is scared that when football ends, there won’t be anything left worth keeping.”
“That’s not true.”
“We know that. But Felix doesn’t. Not yet, anyway.”
We walk in silence for a while, the trail winding through the forest. The nausea hasn’t returned, and even though my legs are already tired, I need to keep moving. Moving is helping me process everything that’s happened in the past few hours.
“I hope he changes his mind,” I say finally. “AboutEllie.”
“Me too.” Sadie squeezes my arm. “He just needs time to get out of his own way.”
“What if he doesn’t? What if he really believes someone else would be better for her?”
“Then that’s his choice to make.” Sadie’s voice is gentle but firm. “You can’t force someone to see their own worth, Pip. They have to figure it out themselves.”
I think about how Felix has been with Ellie since that first night at the cabin. The way he reads to her and makes her smile. Stays up late researching toddler development. He’s already a good father. He just doesn’t know it yet.
“Can I ask you something?” Sadie’s voice breaks into my thoughts.
“Sure.”
“Why did you agree to nanny for Felix?”
