“What are you doing out here?” I ask. It’s a dumb question, but I’m not sure how to break the ice. “Everyone was waiting for you at Doyle’s camp.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I didn’t feel like being around a bunch of people.”
“I get that.” I rub my hands together. It’s cold out. I don’t know how he’s been out here this long. His cheeks and nose are red.
“I’m sorry about the game. That sucks. I know how hard you’ve worked.”
He makes a deep, rough noise, and I can’t tell whether it’s agreement or disapproval.
“You’re going to freeze to death out here.” I offer him my hand.
He takes it, threading his ice-cold fingers through mine, but doesn’t make any attempt to stand.
“We don’t have to go back to Doyle’s. We could go somewhere else,” I say.
He drops my hand and then lies back on the ground. “I just want to be alone tonight. I’d be terrible company.”
My stomach sinks as he resumes the position I found him in. It’s like I can feel the barriers he’s building between us.
“We could go to the diner. Lemonades and chocolate milkshakes?”
“I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but my favorite drinks aren’t going to help right now.” His expression is stony and serious.
“What will?”
He doesn’t answer.
I glance around, searching for answers. When none pop out of midair, I lie down beside him.
The ground is even colder than I imagined. It seeps through my jeans and nips at my face. We lie side by side. I reach over and slide my hand into his. The only confirmation I have that he even knows I’m here is the slight squeeze he gives my fingers.
“I’m sorry. I know today was a bad day. I’m not sure what to say or do, but I want to be here for you any way I can.” Everything I think or say just sounds all wrong, and he doesn’t look any less upset. “Losing always sucks, and I know how much the team and soccer mean to you. It’s okay to be disappointed. You don’t need to hide that from me.”
“It’s not just that,” he finally speaks. “I cost us the championship.”
“No—” I start, but he cuts me off.
“I fucked up in algebra, and then I let myself get distracted. I lost focus on what is important.”
“You got distracted?” I ask, trying to understand his thinking. I know he isn’t exactly rational right now, but I want to see it like he does.
“Yes. I mean, isn’t that obvious?” He lets his head fall to the side, so he’s looking at me.
Understanding finally dawns on me. “You were distracted by me?”
He goes back to staring at the sky, but his words are like a gut punch.
“I’m sorry,” I say, not even sure what I’m apologizing for. For tutoring him? Liking him? For him liking me? Does he really think either of us had a choice in that?
“It isn’t your fault. This is all on me. I messed up when my GPA dropped, and the team had to switch things up to fill my absence. And then instead of coming back with my full focus, I convinced myself I could be the kind of guy who can lead the team and be in a relationship. But I’m not that guy. I never have been. You know this better than anyone.”
“Vaughn…” My voice breaks. “You cannot take on a team loss because of one mistake you made weeks ago.”
“It wasn’t just one mistake, though. That’s what I’m trying to say. My dad even tried to warn me.”
“He did?”
Vaughn’s chin dips in a nod. “He told me I’d regret losing focus, and I do.”
