Despite trying to keep him off my mind, I considered Ezra, how unhappy he’d been when we’d gotten caught together at the Mission. How he’d been more disturbed by my show of radiance than by Julian’s blow. My chest felt hollow. I should have tried to leave him some sort of letter. Dropped it off at Ainsley’s. Hidden it somewhere. Now I’d disappear, and he’d never know that I—something. Enjoyed his company? Liked his unreasonably thick eyebrows and the softness of his eyes?
The truth was that I wanted to kiss him again. But not a kiss goodbye.
I wanted to be part of his dream of a quiet life in a beautiful place.
Maybe he was nearby. Maybe he’d come to say farewell. Was I worth saying goodbye to, or would I be like the engineer’s son—nothing but a memory of a past dalliance?
A train whistle, shrill and long, startled me out of my thoughts. Julian handed my suitcase to the attendant. I was leaving now whetherI liked it or not. I was not about to duel with Julian, no matter how much I suspected I’d win if I did. If I injured him, I’d feel awful about it no matter how stuck-up and frustrating he was.
Beside us, a man and woman were helping a limping, pallid young man make his way onto the train. The young man coughed a dry, wheezing sound that echoed in the recesses of my memory. I shuddered and looked away.
Ainsley approached wearing an apron dusted with flour. At the sight of Julian, her eyes hardened. She held a cloth sack. “Sending her away without a bite to eat? Surely they taught you manners in the big city.”
He stiffened beside me, but his voice held the same silky condescension as usual. “As incompetent as Josephine proved to be, I felt her capable of packing her own supper.”
I’d actually packed nearly everything in the pantry into my suitcase. A fact that I hoped would irritate him for days to come once he figured it out.
I accepted the sack from Ainsley anyway. “How did you know I’d be on the train?”
What I wanted to ask was,How did you know I’ve been disgraced?
Ainsley glanced at Julian pointedly before patting my hand. “Ezra told me that Senior Gray dismissed you. He thought it best not to show his face here.”
Had Julian intimidated him so much that he didn’t feel safe bidding me farewell?
“Oh.” It was little more than a pained exhale—as if I’d been struck in the stomach just as Ezra had been. This felt like far too private a conversation to be having in public. Especially when Julian was so angry that I’d … that we’d …
Trying to recover my senses, I asked, “Is Henry not with you?”
Ainsley tilted her head, a frown briefly crossing her features. “No. I took him to Harlington, where a family can foster him until the winter. With bandits about, this is no place for a child to play in the woods.”
Be careful.
“Please tell him I said goodbye.”
“Henry?” she asked, her lips giving a minute quirk.
“Yes, of course.” I lifted my chin, daring her to tease me.
Ainsley gave me a nod of acknowledgment, and I waved the bag of food at her awkwardly, surprised to find myself wishing she’d embraced me. We were hardly friends, but she’d been welcoming and kind, and I regretted losing the opportunity to become closer.
The whistle sounded again, and Ainsley and Julian shared an inscrutable look before Julian ushered me toward the passenger car. Though I knew Ezra wasn’t here, I couldn’t help looking over my shoulder, scanning the train platform for the sight of a boy far too tall for his own good.
All I saw was Ainsley watching us, her expression unreadable.
Julian stayed by my side until I reached the entrance to the passenger car. Wordlessly, he took the bag of food Ainsley had given me out of my hands.
“What?” I tried to snatch it back.
“Get on the train,” he said urgently. “Now.”
The look in his eyes made me stop reaching for the food. He slapped the side of the train as if urging a horse to move. “Go,” he said, his voice strange—almost frightened. I stared back at him for a moment before I pushed through the curtain into the dusty car that looked like no one had set foot in it in a year.
There was no time to wonder at his puzzling behavior. The train lurched into motion, and I had something more pressing to consider: when to jump.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Alone in the passenger car, I had no trouble sliding the door open and stepping out onto the platform that connected it with the next car. There, the clacking of the wheels against the tracks made my head pound. Gripping my suitcase in increasingly sweaty fingers, I tried to talk myself into jumping.
