“I’m nearly finished,” I called out irritably.
When I wrenched the door open, I didn’t have to put on any pretense of devastation. I could feel the splotchy itch of a flush across my cheeks and neck. No matter how determined I was to avoid returning to the House of Industry in shame, I couldn’t keep my fears in check.
I knew nothing of survival. Not out here. Ezra had tried to teach me a little, but now all I could recall was a blur of unfamiliar plant names. I didn’t know what was poisonous or what I could eat. What was venomous and what would simply slither away from me. I could make fire, but I wouldn’t be able to find water unless I stayed along the river, where I’d surely be found eventually.
And, a frightened voice in my heart reminded me, I’d never be able to change my mind if I failed to return. Once word reached the House of Industry, my name would forever be associated with failing to thrive at a Mission characterized by a shockingly low level of expectations and responsibilities.
Josephine Haven, the apprentice who had gotten sent home from her assignment before radiance had even been connected to her Mission.
“You …” Julian began, frowning. He briefly looked like he wanted to reach for me before he said, “I certainly hope you’ve packed handkerchiefs.”
I nearly mustered a glare, but even now, I couldn’t bring myself to outright disrespect Julian. Regardless of only being a few years older than me, he was my Senior. I consoled myself with imagining setting his shoes on fire.
Deep down, I knew my desire to lash out at him was all bluster. What I really wanted was his empathy. What I wanted was to be his friend. And friends didn’t hurt each other like this. Or, at least, I imagined they didn’t.
When he took my suitcase for me, Julian avoided my gaze. I reminded myself that none of this was his fault. Not entirely, anyway. Even if I hadn’t been caught being improper with Ezra, I knew in my heart that I wasn’t an adequate Conductor. I wasn’t good at following orders. I was too curious and too impulsive and too violent.
Julian would be in dereliction of his own duties to let me continue fumbling my way through apprenticeship. My presence was putting the whole Mission at risk of being disrespected or disregarded by the townspeople—or targeted by resistors. If he’d known I’d used radiance like a Transistor during the robbery, he wouldn’t have let me off the train.
He was doing the right thing by sending me away. But I didn’t have to be happy about that. Icouldn’tbe happy about that. I could barely breathe.
Though no one but the mule watched us cross the courtyard and enter the path toward the train yard, I ducked my chin low. Every few steps, I wiped my nose with my sleeve, feeling every bit the chastised child. I wore my tool belt stubbornly, and it bounced at my hip, the only comfort as a tide of shame threatened to drown me.
Unless I found a way to rid myself of Julian, I couldn’t even run away properly. I’d have to leave the train at a distant stop, hopelessly far from Frostbrook and unimaginably far from Sterling City. There, I’d surely end up begging my way back onto the train. It wasn’t like I could survive as a rogue Conductor in a wilderness where no one had the infrastructure to make any use of it.
“You’ll grind your teeth to bits at this rate,” Julian muttered. “Stop that.”
“I’m not grinding my teeth. I’m trying not to cry.”
“Well, you’re not doing a very good job at that.”
I wanted to wallop him. “Haven’t you criticized me enough for one day? I’ll be gone before you know it, and you’ll get a new apprentice to judge.”
Until that moment, I hadn’t considered someone else in my place. In my room. InmyMission. I shuddered with the effort to suppress a sob.
Julian heaved a sigh that was somehow sympathetic and utterly impatient with me at the same time. “Try to get ahold of yourself before we get to the station.”
“That’s quite easy for you to say,” I snapped. He’d probably never cried a day in his life.
“It takes discipline. Discipline you sorely lack.” Julian stopped walking so abruptly, I nearly stumbled into his back. His hazel eyes were like polished stones when he turned and watched me wiping my nose and swallowing back tears. “You cannot show others every part of yourself. The world will devour you. Feel these things. Feel them entirely. But do not give that power away.”
His words were soft, hurried. His gaze darted to the tree line before he took me by the elbow and ushered me to continue walking beside him.
My throat went dry. I let his words wind around me like a ribbon.Feel these things.
“Why are you—”
He released my arm forcefully, as if it had disgusted him to touch me. “Keep walking, or we’ll miss the train.”
“You’re the one who stopped.”
His breath sucked in, an argument clearly poised in his throat. Then he sighed again. Without looking at his face, I knew he was rolling his eyes. The silence that followed left me alone with my thoughts and the echo of his unexpected advice. He hadn’t said one sentimental or encouraging thing to me in my days at the Mission. It was only now, as we headed to the station, that he felt compelled to offer me a scrap of helpful guidance?
Of strange guidance.
It reminded me of Professor Dunn telling me to be myself as she bid me farewell.
I wanted to tell him that I liked feeling. I liked the pain, and the rawness, and thepotentialof it all. I liked the small forbidden part of me that wanted to be known and wanted to know others.
