But she didn’t even blink—just said she’d already guessed something was going on, from the way he looks at me, and that she wasn’t bothered.
If anything, she looked happy and spent most of class leaning in, whispering about herprogresswith Lucien. Not training drills. Not study sessions. The kind of progress that leaves teeth marks. She spared no detail, like she wanted me to choke on every last one.
Neither of us got called for a Demonstration that day and I’ve managed to escape being called down for another one since Ryven. Finn wasn’t so lucky, matched against some red-headed Earth Realm cadet.My stomach nearly hit the floor when I heard his name, but Finn had the kid flat on his back before I could blink. Guess he’s better than he lets on.
Yesterday was moreworking meditation. A whole day scrubbing floors in silence, trapped in my own head. Too much time to think about the last three weeks. Too much time to think, period.And today? The Sunday monthly Sermon with the guru himself, Sovereign Minister,Vaelric Serrane.
The flow of cadets thickens as we push toward the courtyard. Beside me, Finn lets out a long yawn, cracking his knuckles before rubbing a hand over his face like the act alone might bring him back to life.
I wonder if he’s slept in his bed at all this week... It’s so painfully obvious he cares about Ezzy. And she’s definitely halfway in love with him. Honestly, the only mystery left is why they haven’t jumped each other and gotten it over with already.
“You know she’s into you, right?” I mutter. “Why do you act likethataround her?”
His mouth quirks. “You mean why do I act like such a jerk...?”
“You said it, not me....”I shrug as we keep walking.
“Ezzy’s just… she’s kind of perfect, you know? Everything she touches turns out better than it started. She wants to help everyone. Fix everything. And usually, she can...” Finn’s gaze drops to his hands, voice softens. “Everything except me. She deserves so much better. I guess my behaviour is just to keep her at bay, self-sabotage. At least that's what my councillor would call it.”
“You go to counselling?” I ask, raising a brow.
He smirks. “You seem surprised.”
“Well, I guess you just always seem so... annoyingly upbeat.”
He laughs once, chin high. “Yeah, well. That’s what they call high-functioning depression. But I just call it faking it like a bloody pro.” At first, he looks proud, then his voice flattens a little. “Truth is, I'm a mess, and I don't want Ezzy getting caught up in it, in me. I've been going to counselling since I was fifteen, my mum sent me. At first I hated it, resented her for it, but now.” He pauses, “now, honestly it’s a lifeline.”
“Why did she send you?”
“I just felt like my life was being planned out for me; I didn't have any control over it. At first, it started like anxiety, panic attacks, the normal stuff, I guess, but then the Fog rolled in.”
“Fog?” I frown.
He picks at a thread on his sleeve as we turn a corner. “I call it the Fog, because that’s what it feels like. Thick. Dull. Heavy. It rolls in and doesn’t just numb the happiness. It takes everything. No highs, no lows. Just grey. Days blur. Everything loses its shape. Life doesn’t hurt anymore, but it doesn’t feel like living either.” He exhales, eyes flicking to mine, then away again. “When I was seventeen, it all got too heavy. Too much noise in my head and silence everywhere else. And I just didn’t see another way out.”
Something in my stomach tightens. Not because I don’t get it. But because I do, more than I want to admit.
“My mum found me,” he adds. “She got me help. I’ve been seeing a counsellor ever since.”
“You tried to…” I start, but can’t seem to finish.
“Take my life? Kill myself?” He finishes for me. “Yeah. You can say it. It’s not a curse.” He looks at me now. Calm. Not defensive. “People flinch when they hear it. Like if they say it out loud they’ll catch it. But talking about it doesn’t make it worse. Pretending it didn’t happen... that’s what screws people up.”
I nod once, not sure what else to do with it. I didn’t expect Finn to be so... deep. Troubled. Rowan, maybe—I’d believe that with how guarded he is. But Finn?
“It’s not gone, not cured,” he adds. “I still get hit with it. Still get days where the Fog creeps in. But now I’ve got tools, ways to ride it out. It’s like the weather, you can’t stop it, but you can carry a coat.”
I swallow. “You ever tell Ezzy any of this?”
“Rowan, yeah. Ezzy…” He shakes his head.
“You should.”
He doesn’t answer at first. Then: “She’s just all sunshine and flowers. I don’t want to drag my shit into that.”
“That’s her choice. Not yours.”
He just shakes his head again. “I just want to graduate. Leave this place. Carve some more ducks.”
