Silence stretched between us for so long that I began to wonder if John had fallen asleep until he asked, “Can I take you shopping tomorrow after you’re done with work?”
“Shopping?” I cocked my head. “For what?”
“Baby stuff. I don’t know about you, but the clock feels like it’s ticking faster and faster with each week that passes. I want to be prepared.”
I sat up, and my eyes darted around the small apartment where I could see the kitchen, living room, and front door from our position in bed. Panic surged in my veins, and my voice rose in pitch. “Where are we going to put a baby, let alone a crib? This place is a shoebox, and I can’t afford anything bigger.”
“Hey, hey, hey.” John gripped my chin, turning me to face him. “Deep breaths. It’s going to be just fine.”
My chest rose on a ragged inhale. “B-b-but it’s not fine,” I protested, my windpipe closing up.
He dropped his forehead to mine. “Yes, it is. Because you can move in with me. I have enough space for all three of us. And it’s close to that park Cosmo likes.”
“John.” His name came out on a sigh. “You know why I can’t.” We’d been over this more times than I could count.
Huffing, he slid both hands into his long hair, tugging at the roots. “I’m not your ex. I want to take care of you, not control you. Haven’t I made that clear by now?”
“I need a safety net!”
His brows furrowed, causing his glasses to slide down the bridge of his nose. “What are you talking about?”
My trauma-induced hysteria reached critical mass, and I began to hyperventilate. “Wh-what if you change your m-mind after the b-b-baby gets here and I end up homeless?”
John leapt into action, placing both hands on my face and coaxing gently, “Breathe, baby. I’m not going to change my mind. I love you, remember?”
I shook my head, tears flooding my eyes. “B-b-but babies cry a lot. I could develop postpartum depression, leaving you to take care of a newborn all alone. A-a-and my vagina’s gonna get all stretched out. You’re never going to want to have sex with me again after watching me give birth.” That final fear fell from my lips on a broken sob.
“Ro, sweetheart, you’re breaking my heart. I know it’s difficult for you to trust after what you’ve been through, so it’s up to me to remind you every day, with words and actions, that my presence in your life isn’t something you ever have to question. No amount of sleepless nights with an inconsolable newborn, changes in your mental health, or the physical impact of you giving me the greatest gift I could ever receive is ever going to affect how I feel about you. You’re stuck with me now. It’s you and me and little nugget”—one of his hands left my face to cradle my belly—“forever, okay?”
Through hiccups so violent my chest ached, I asked, “H-how can you be so s-sure?”
He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, a soft smile gracing his face. “That’s easy. Because you’re everything I’ve been searching for, and I never want to let you go.”
Those words settled something in my soul, and I pulled in a shaky breath. “Really?”
“Really,” John confirmed. “There’s no one else for me but you, Ro. And if it’s what you need to feel secure, you can keep this place as your safety net for however long it takes for you to believe that what we have is going to last.”
I sniffled. “That would help.”
“So, you’ll move in with me?” Hope lit up in his eyes, and I worried that my follow-up question might extinguish it.
“If I say yes, do I have to do it right away? Everything is moving so fast, and I just need a minute to process.”
The tip of his nose brushed against mine. “Take however long you need to feel comfortable. But I’d like to see you settled in before the baby comes.”
Swallowing, I nodded. “Yeah, I think I can manage that. Thank you for being so patient and understanding.”
“You don’t have to thank me for loving you the way you’ve always deserved.”
This man. He was almost too good to be true, and I really needed to stop self-sabotaging before my truckload of trauma and insecurity drove him away—even if he said that wasn’t possible.
With a deep breath, I mentally shoved the past into a little box in the back of my brain, determined to start fresh with this little family I’d stumbled into.
“Okay, these might be the most adorable things I’ve ever seen.” John held up a sparkly pair of teeny-tiny Mary Janes with a pink bow affixed to the strap. “We have to buy them.”
His joy was infectious, and I couldn’t hold back a smile, even as I brought him back down to earth. “Might want to hold off until we find out if we’re having a boy or a girl.”
John’s gaze locked on mine. “Are we finding out?”
