Sarah shook her head with a smile. “I’m afraid not, but—” She leant in, nuzzling her mouth into my throat. “You won’t be needing it, I’m sure.”
I glanced at the tablets in my hand, torn. I’d done some sketchy shite in my time, but my ma didn’t raise a fella who went out of his way to make a girl uncomfortable. With an irritated sigh, I reached over and slammed the baggie down on the kitchen counter.
“Get the lights,” Sarah rasped, nipping my earlobe and I silently did as I was asked.
I let her undress me, first my t-shirt, then my jeans. When I was clad in only my boxers, Sarah pushed me down onto my back with a sultry smile and climbed up on top of me, straddling me.
We kissed for a long while, Sarah grinding herself on me with enthusiasm – and yet my body refused to respond. I broke out in a nervous sweat, a familiar sense of nausea and disgust crawling over me. This wasn’t right. What the fuck was wrong with me?
C’mon, f’feck’s sake get it together, now. Before she figures out somethin’ ain’t right.
The pressure mounted until I swore my heart would beat right out of my chest and when Sarah’s hand wormed its way between us, I shuddered with revulsion.
“O-oh…” she stammered, clearly not expecting to find my cock soft and unresponsive. Her confidence faltered, but she plastered on a false smile. “Here, let me.”
Before I could say anything, Sarah shifted her weight down the bed. I clenched my jaw, hands balling into fists as she tugged down my underwear and sucked me into her mouth.
C’mon… C’mon!
I closed my eyes, trying desperately to summon something, anything… I used all my usual tricks – fantasising about fellas, about that magazine from my youth, evenRonan… Nothing. Eventually the shame grew too much to bear and I roughly shoved Sarah off me, sitting up and tucking myself back into my boxers.
“Is something wrong? Was I not—”
“Y’fine,” I snapped. “I’d a few too many drinks in me, that’s all. Not gonna happen tonight, like.”
“S-sure,” Sarah spluttered, smoothing down her hair. She watched me silently as I grabbed my clothes, redressing myself with shaking hands. Every inch of me was on edge, raw and vulnerable and Ihatedit.
“C’mon, I’d be takin’ ya back t’ Tess.” Just mentioning the pretty barmaid had me cringing. There was no way Sarah wasn’t going to be telling her wee mate about this. What if she told Declan? Fuck. I couldn’t risk it. Not now. Not afterI’d kept this part of myself hidden for so long. A dark flare of panic and rage erupted inside me.
“Gotta say I’d be a bit disappointed, like. Y’come on all strong like ya gonna be a craic’er ride an’ then y’flop. I shoulda listened ta the other fellas – they’d be sayin’ wee settled girls are no good, aye.”
It was cruel, but if keeping my secret meant tearing Sarah down, blaming her for what had happened here tonight, it was something I needed to do. I needed that wee settled to think this was her fault, to believe that she’d been disappointing in bed, so she was in no rush to be telling Tess about any of it.
Sarah blinked, clearly taken aback for a moment before an angry scowl marred her face. “You fucking arsehole.” She got up, snatching her shoes from the floor. “Let me out of here.”
“Aye, no bother,” I replied tersely, opening up the door and standing aside as she hopped down onto the grass. Without a word, I followed behind her as she stormed back towards the fire. The chairs that Declan and I had set up were occupied with strangers and despite her anger, Sarah faltered. Looked like Declan had convinced Tess back to his gaff. At least someone was getting lucky tonight.
Sarah wrapped her arms around herself and though she stiffened as I came to stand beside her, she didn’t move away.
“Ya want me ta walk y’home? I’d not want ya meetin’ wi’ the wrong folks, like.”
She needled me with a glare. “I’d say it’s entirely too late for that.” She paused. “But yes, please.”
I nodded, shoving my hands into my pockets. “C’mon, this way, now.”
Chapter Four
Ronan
John-Francis didn’t belong to me, and yet I burnt with rage as if he did. It was ridiculous. I wasn’t the possessive sort, never had been. All of my prior relationships had been brief and wholly sexual, just like that encounter with John-Francis, and yet catching sight of him with a wee blonde girl… He’d let her kiss him, something he’d refused me and that stung.
I sat in a ratty picnic chair, alone and brooding. Neither Ma nor Darragh had returned from the party yet, but I wasn’t much in the mood for revelry now. I tilted my head back, staring up into the clear night sky.
Maybe it was for the best. We’d be moving on from here after the weekend no doubt and then John-Francis would be nothing but a memory to me. He was clearly hiding from himself, something I swore I’d never do. I might have hidden myself from outsiders, but inside? Inside, I knew what I wanted and wasn’t ashamed of getting it. I didn’t have time to hand-hold a fella who was fighting that sort of fight. I’d been there, done it. It was too painful and too messy. Nah, I’d just focus on me and mine, and after the fair was done, I’d disappear and never have to think about John-Francis ever again… but until then, the fucker was all I had on my mind, and it irritated me. I needed another drink.
With a groan, I heaved myself up from my chair and wandered through the dark towards the glow of the bonfire. There’d be a wee tinnie or some shite I could nab and then I’d be making my way back to my chair, alone in the darkness.
Before I could get there, a familiar voice pulled me up. It was just the person I didn’t want it to be.
