“It’s complicated,” he muttered.
“I’m listening. I’m not judging, just curious.” I smiled and tentatively reached out under the sheets, pressing a palm against Rowan’s chest. He instinctively pulled me closer and allowed our bodies to embrace. It felt so good to be able to just hold him like that, without having to worry about other people seeing us.
“Well, I’d had my suspicions about my feelings before I even met Christina. We knew one another from school and from the church my parents took me to every weekend.” Rowan made a face. “Maybe if I’d been brought up by more understanding parents, this mess I’m in now wouldn’t have ever happened.”
“They didn’t approve?” I asked.
“I’ve never told them. I kept it to myself, but I knew they wouldn’t. I’d heard them talk about homosexuality and it had never been in a positive light. Christina was my best friend, we got along well, and a lot of my parents’ friends had voiced their opinion on what a good couple we would make.”
“Ah,” I said, another piece of the puzzle slotting into place.
“I listened to them, decided that maybe if I had a girlfriend that would straighten me out... Literally.” He sighed. “So, we dated for a little while, but it felt increasingly wrong – for me at least. I actually did get as far as attempting to break it off with her, but she cried, and I comforted her, and we ended up sleeping together.”
“I can see where this is going.” I grimaced a little, adding things up.
“Yeah, it was really stupid. Neither of us had ever been told much about sex. We knew the basics, but we didn’t know anything about how to be safe. We were just uneducated and too young. Christina didn’t speak to me after that for about two months.” Rowan looked sad and distant. “But when she did, it wasn’t good news.”
I sighed, squeezing him a little tighter.
“Getting married was the only way we could cover the pregnancy. Christina’s parents had always enforced the ‘no sex before marriage’ rule on her and she was terrified. I agreed because I felt it was my responsibility. I’d been stupid, and now I had to pay for it.”
There was a pause and Rowan looked thoughtful.
“It wasn’t all bad. Our parents didn’t bat an eyelid at our sudden engagement, and we got hitched soon after. Christina’s parents helped her a lot with the baby, believing that it was conceived in wedlock, and I was busy with university. We were just two people living in a house together until Teegan was born, then everything changed. Suddenly, Christina and I had a reason to be together. We both love her so much.”
I smiled softly, seeing the familiar misty look in his eyes as he spoke about his daughter. There was no denying he cherished her more than anything, and it just made me fall harder for him.
“For a few years things were okay. I was still confused, and I knew deep-down that it wasn’t what I wanted, but my feelings were second to Teegan’s. It didn’t matter what I wanted, I had to do my best for the baby.” Rowan smiled. “Christina had always been dear in my heart, and it wasn’t hard to try to love her. The sex was always really awkward and uncomfortable, but she didn’t say anything when I started to avoid it. She seemed happy and it made me feel better that I was trying to do the ‘right’ thing.”
“So, what happened?” I asked curiously.
“You can’t maintain a lie forever, Max. In the early years, both of us were running on fumes and so busy with a dependent, young child that we didn’t have much opportunity to really think about our relationship. When Teegan started secondary school and became much easier and more independent, things between Christina and I began to turn sour. I was terrified that everything would fall apart, and Teegan wasn’t oblivious to the tension. I could see it was starting to affect her, so I just shouldered it and suppressed everything.”
Rowan looked pained, and I suddenly felt bad for asking him to relive the experience. I pressed myself tighter still against him and he squeezed me back.
“You were just doing what you thought was best,” I replied softly.
“I don’t regret it. From the day Teegan came into this world, I’ve been in love with her, and I’d do anything to keep her safe and happy… Even when she was difficult, or that time she painted my flat-screen TV.” Rowan laughed.
“Ouch, the flat-screen?” I smirked and he gave me a pained look.
“I wasn’t pleased.” There was a pause. “I held things together as long as I could, but a couple of years ago, I walked in on Christina in bed with her personal trainer—”
“What a cliché,” I muttered, glad when Rowan laughed.
“Right? I suppose that really hammered home how hopeless our situation was. I didn’t even care, not really. I was just angry that she had risked Teegan’s happiness for a fling.” He paused. “After that, we agreed that there was nothing between us, and we were both free to see other people, so long as Teegan was kept out of the picture.” Rowan’s face looked grave, and I felt a swell of empathy.
“Shit, that’s a mess,” I muttered.
“Things got even more complicated after that,” he replied.
“Evenmore?”I gaped.
“Well, I went into work one day you see, and it turns out the temp nurse the NHS HR team had interviewed and hired for me was a real stunner.”
“Shut up, idiot,” I laughed.
“I hadn’t allowed myself to think about myrealfeelings for so long because it made me feel guilty, so I guess I didn’t really know I even had a ‘type’ before I met you, but there was no denying it. I tried hard to fight it, y’know. You must have thought I was a right weirdo.”
