"What makes this place so special to you?" Lark asked. "Outside of what you've told me about how it helped reconcile your childhood and some of the missions that have blown up."
Kawan smiled. "It keeps me centered. Henley, all the others here, they remind me that breathing isn’t a curse. That whileKim’s, Sarah’s, and that precious baby’s death, will always a part of who I am, it doesn’t have to be what defines me. I’ll always miss them. I’ll probably always have some guilt and continue to hold on to some blame. But it doesn’t have to be the thing that destroys the person they all helped me become."
"I can tell you all respect Brick and his men in ways you don’t others outside of your team."
"Brick and everyone here have been through something that changed them. But it goes deeper than needing to get our heads on straight so we can continue this crazy life we live. It's about balance. About learning to find peace with past while never forgetting how it shaped us."
She tugged her hand away, adjusted her messy ponytail, then dropped her hand in her lap, rubbing it against her thigh. A habit she had when she didn't have that damn stress ball.
"Your softer side shocked me when we first met."
"Not to sound like a broken record, but having feelings doesn't make someone weak."
"I never said it does. Just saying that most men I know in this world are full of brawn and macho ego. You manage to be all that while being soft and mushy. It throws me."
"Why?"
"I don't know. I suppose because I'm not used to it."
He laughed but there was no humor in it. "Or is it because having someone who cares—really cares—makes you uncomfortable?"
"Sounds like you're still holding a grudge."
"Not exactly, but I'm not afraid to say it hurt when you left and then refused to take my calls." The scenery slowly changed from wide open spaces to small town. In some ways, it reminded him of Central New York—if his hometown had mountains instead of rolling hills.
"What I don't understand is why you ruined a perfectly good thing by tossing around the L word. We had no strings. We saw each other whenever it worked. It was private, between us. We didn't have to explain ourselves to anyone. It was easy. And with three little words, you destroyed it."
His fingers curled tight around the wheel. "So, us sharing a bed again is nothing but sex. You're using me for a moment."
"I'm not using you. That's not how I meant it."
"Maybe not, but that's what you’ve reduced it to." He slowed as they approached the center of town. "You remember that shit box Jeep we rented in Mali?"
Lark snorted. "The one with the steering wheel duct-taped on? Or the one missing a floorboard with spiders nesting in the dash?"
"I think that was all one Jeep."
"You made me drive it."
"You insisted."
"Only because it was stick and you were still healing from being shot in the shoulder." She finally looked at him, eyes crinkling just enough to soften the shadows that hadn't left since the ambush. "You were forced to take three weeks off after they discharged you from the hospital."
"I did a week at The Refuge and then chased you down. We spent ten days together."
They shared a look. A flicker of ease. A memory wrapped in sunburn and chaos.
"You wouldn't let me do anything," he said softly. "You did all the heavy lifting during that time."
"You were injured, I wasn't."
"So, it wasn't because you cared?" he asked, as he pulled into a small grocery store. It wasn't much—an old building with a cracked vending machine and a single gas pump from the lastcentury. But it was stocked. And quiet. And reminded him of so many things left unsaid.
"Of course I cared—do care—that's not the point. But I don't have time for the big L or?—"
"You can't even say the word... love, can you?" Fuck. Two years, and she still treated the word like a live grenade. Like if she said it out loud, the whole world would detonate. Maybe hers would. But his already had—the morning he woke up alone in Key West with nothing but rumpled sheets and the taste of her goodbye on his lips. He shook his head as he slipped from the SUV, meeting her on the other side. Raising his hand, he tucked a piece of stray hair behind her ear. "I always find it amusing that the team thinks there isn't a woman on the planet who can tame me."
She cocked her head. "They really don't know about all the times we saw each other?"
