Only, she had no fight left in her.
But that damn L-word wouldn’t come out of her mouth. She wasn’t even sure she knew what love was. Or if she’d ever really felt it. Kawan was the closest thing she’d ever had to a real relationship. Or even a best friend. Her life had been filled with one disappointment after another.
One abandonment after the other.
Until the military, everyone had let her down.
And now, the only thing she’d loved—interesting that she could feel that way about the military—had betrayed her in the worst way possible.
It had taken away her family.
Kawan had gotten that part right. Alverez. Mina. Wes. They’d been her family. If she loved anyone… it had been them. And now they were gone.
She dropped her head back and closed her eyes.
Kawan slipped behind the driver’s seat, started the engine, and eased out onto the access road.
She resented that she’d missed him these past two years. Hated that she wanted him in her life. Needed him even.
But what gnawed at her the most was the inability to push past all the pain. To force one foot in front of the other and do what she’d always done—survive.
She was going to have to cut through the thick armor she’d built and release her unprocessed emotions like a raging river. It wasn’t going to be pretty. No. It would be pure hell. She just hoped what came out the other side would resemble the woman she’d wanted to be when she enlisted all those years ago. That woman was a combination of strength, wit, determination, and unwavering compassion. Somewhere along the way, she’d lost some of that. She’d lost some of herself.
If she expected Specs to do it, then it was time to find those slivers and piece herself back together.
9
TWO LANE HIGHWAY, NEW MEXICO—JUST PAST THE REFUGE
It was only ten in the morning when Kawan turned the SUV onto the two-lane highway that cut through the desert scrub outside The Refuge. The bright sunrays bled across the windshield, casting long shadows across the road. The smell of hot dust seeped through the open window. The silence was companionable, even if it was laced with tension Kawan hadn’t acknowledged.
He shot a glance toward the passenger seat.
Lark had one boot up on the dashboard, her elbow braced against the door as she stared out at the vast horizon. Her hair was tied up, messy, wild—the way it used to be when she rolled out of bed with nowhere to go.
There were so many things he wanted to say. Emotions he'd buried for the last two years. Words he'd never had the chance to express. Somehow, Lark had become the person—outside of his team—that he wanted to share his world with.
The first ten years of his life had been complicated but simple. His mother, a drug addict. His father, a criminal. After his mom died and his father went to prison, Kawan ended up in the system.
When he'd first been brought to the Paddocks' farm in Central New York, he'd folded into himself. He didn't trust that he was safe. Not because of them, but because he watched kids come and go. He watched children find forever families or reunite with loving parents.
That was never going to happen to him. His old man had made that clear.
But Kawan wasn't about to make waves. He did his chores. He was polite. He never talked back—but he also barely spoke. Not until Dave Paddock sat him down and told him about his childhood. Told Kawan that he would fight for him. That even though legally he wasn't his father, he was where it counted.
That's when things had changed for Kawan. That was the moment he'd found home.
"Do we have time to head to a store?" Lark asked. "I want to grab some stuff for Specs. Things that might make her feel like she's sitting in her own space, munching on those damn long stringy fruit candies she likes while she twirls her hair and stares at a computer screen."
"As long as you're not trying to make us late for your appointment."
"I won’t." She shook her head. "If I expect Specs to deal with the fallout, then I have to be willing to do it, too."
He reached out and took her hand. "That doesn't make you weak, Lark."
"Can I ask you a question about all this? About The Refuge? The people?"
"Sure."
