I take a deep breath and look at the cult lady. Until the opportunity shows itself, I just need to survive this conversation.
Truthfully, I’d been avoiding her because I was sure she’s going to tell me to cut out all the little ways I slack off and hold myself more accountable, but I can make the best of this. Maybe she could give me some pointers and my little idea could become an actual plan.
She takes a different course of action than I expect, and starts with, “So, what are your retention rates?”
I blink. “What?”
“Your company’s retention rates, or turnover, or...”
She’s looking at me and expecting me to produce an actual number while I have a mixed drink in my hand. I glance between her and Vlad a few times to check that she’s serious. All I get is a raised brow from Vlad and an expectant look from her, before weakly responding, “Um, I’m not a hiring manager.”
This barely slackens her inquisition. “Well, what about the employee engagement statistics? Training and development?”
“I don’t have any of that off the top of my head,” I start to tell her, and start to gesture to the rest of the ballroom where everyone else seems to be in the middle of enjoying themselves.
“That’s no excuse,” she gasps at me like I’ve offended her. Suddenly, it’s like I’m back in school, and there’s a test that I was supposed to be better prepared for.
Did she grill everyone else like this? I don’t see anyone else as distressed as I feel though, and that makes me wonder if I’m the only one this level of unprepared. I flail internally, trying not to crumple.
I look to Vlad for help, but he’s watching me like he’s also waiting for my answer. Does he expect me to just know these kinds of things all the time? Maybe that’s just the standard he works to.
It’s clear then that they both see right through me. I’ve always known that all my rambling about being up to date on the relevant topics in my field means nothing, because I don’t have a degree in this. While I may be able to get through the paperwork and the meetings, I don’t have any real expertise to offer.
“I gotta run to the bathroom, I’ll be right back,” I mumble, handing my drink to Vlad and leaving before either of them can say anything. I don’t care that I’m kind of obviously fleeing.
I duck into the hallway for a moment, closing my eyes and rubbing my temples. Deep breaths. The thunderous music still seeps in under the doors, thrumming in time with my rapid pulse.
I can tuck this existential dread away for later. As much as it brings my mood down, it’s nothing I haven’t already known about myself. And maybe I had a couple fun days pretending like I operate on the same level of organization and competency as everyone else, but it’s time to come back to reality, as much as it crushes my ego to do so.
There isn’t much time to shake it off. The microphone screeches with feedback as someone tests it out.
“It’s time for office trivia!” the cult speaker announces with way too much energy, her voice competing with the too-loud music. “I hope you’re cozy enough with your coworkers to know all the answers!”
Maybe she rattled me a little, but I can get back in there. Everyone has started moving towards the round tables set up with folding chairs around them.
I catch sight of Vlad on the far side of the room, looking around, my drink still in his hand. It would be so easy to go over there and try to play off all that, explain my lack of experience and knowledge with a quick joke about the drinks here being too strong.
I force myself to look away. I need to start tapering off from him. When we all go home, we’re not going to see any more of each other.
A few of the usual suspects are gathering nearby; Jessica, Bill, and Deanna all sit around one of the tables. Jessica seems to be fitting in well, talking about adjusting to having her own desk. I end up slipping into a chair next to Bill, looking a little more undead than usual. It’s been a hot minute since I had a personal conversation with anyone, but last corporate retreat I just kept letting him tell me about his hobbies and explain how to do sudoku a bunch of times.
“So. Um. Do you still play sudoku?”
“A little bit, I’ve been taking a break since I got stuck on a hard puzzle. I think it always helps to look at something with fresh eyes,” he starts to tell me, but his creaky, ancient voice is quickly overwhelmed by Deanna’s loud chatter.
“Well, this is Gwen’s first real job too, isn’t it?”
I look over when I hear my name and frown. That’s not really a fact I want everyone to know. My teeth start to weld to themselves as I try to smile and shrug through the conversation.
Jessica’s vague form leans toward me for a second, her void making curious sounds. “I think you told me a while back, you were a temp in the Peak District?”
“No, no, shetemptedin the Peaks,” Deanna interrupts, before I can say anything. Deanna nudges me good-naturedly, and winks, “That is what you meant when you said what you were doing was soul-sucking, right?”
She clearly thinks she’s funny. She must be because the others laugh.
And I have never felt smaller.
15
