He was a ruined mess of a man, born wrong and made worse with time. He was his father’s shame, his brother's target, and Hannes’—his former knight-master’s—prey. He was no better than the men who had beaten or druggedhiminto submission, no matter what he wanted to believe.
“Lady Blackfell,” he rasped, and fell, hard, down to his knees before her. “I have disgraced myself with my tone. I did not mean to threaten you.”
“It’s no matter.” He knew the shadow in her voice. He’d heard it before. She was resigned, not believing him. It was a tone that saidanything to make this man stop talking and leave my sight.
“No,” he countered, through gritted teeth. “I had no right to shout. That was not honorable.”
“It’s only words.” She wouldn’t meet his eyes now. She stayed pressed to the wall, looking off to the side.
He was never going to make this mistake again. The sight of her cowering from him in fear would stay just as firmly in his head as the sight of a man in armor dragging her around a corner. She had believed that he would hit her. ThatNielwould hit her.
Idiot. Monster. Savage. Better off dead.
“No. It is neveronlywords, as if our words do not matter.”
She frowned, but she didn’t say anything to that. Niel bowed his head. He still had to keep her in the castle, to protect her. Which meant he had to make it right.
Ayla did not move as he silently ran through the oaths a knight could make. Pain of lash, sleepless vigil, and fasting were not wise choices, when he might need to defend her again at a moment’s notice. So, too, he could not pick exile or death. Not that he had any intention of breaking this oath, but the punishment was important. He had to mean it. He could not shy away if it came to pass.
“I swear an oath that I will never raise my voice to you again.” He quickly added: “Unless it is to warn you of danger, or the room is very loud, or you are far away. But not in anger. Never in anger.”
“Alright,” she said quietly. He could tell she didn’t believe him.
“On pain of never speaking to you again,” he added.
She blinked, and glanced his way then.
“Is that meant to be a terrible punishment?”
The answer was obvious, but he couldn’t very well tell her:I stayed here and risked every one of my men dying instead of just some of them, because I couldn’t stomach handing you back to him.
He couldn’t say:I think something is wrong with me, because every time you walk into the room you have the whole of my attention until the moment you leave.
Nor would it be appropriate to inform her:I kept begging for someone to save me, and it killed me inside that nobody did, and I think you are better than I ever was, and if I cannot protect someone like you from someone like him what’s even the point of this wretched world?
“It would make our meals a dull affair,” he said awkwardly.
“Ah.”
“Lots of chewing and blinking and long, drawn out silences,” he added, and felt immediately like a fool for saying that. But Ayla looked thoughtful, one eyebrow raising.
“I could still talk to you even if you couldn’t answer,” she said.
“Well. That’s true. Never dull, then. But if you asked a question, you would think me terribly rude when I refused to even acknowledge it.” He was still on his knees, looking up at her.
“People can speak without words.” She was looking at him now, and pressed less hard against the wall. “You could use your hands, or write.”
“Then it is still speaking,” he said, “and thus, it will be forbidden to me.”
“How would you get me to eat the bread, if I had not yet tried it and you wanted a bite?”
“I will have to ensure it never comes to that.” He rose slowly from his knees, and took another step back from her, hands clasped behind him to show he was no threat. “I know you think I am a traitor, Lady Blackfell. I know the world thinks that too. But I have never broken an oath without good cause to do so. And since there can never be a cause to break this one, I will take it with me beyond my grave.”
He could hear her breathing, and he stood frozen, waiting for her response. Hoping against hope for the fear to fall away from her. At last Ayla spoke.
“If you say so.”
She still did not sound like she believed him. And she still stood against the wall. Niel’s exhale came out shakily. He felt certain she would prefer he leave.
