“I’m fairly certain,” she whispered. “Niel, please…pleasedon’t hate me for it. I was so scared of having a child before, with him, but now, I… you’re furious with me, aren’t you?” she raised a hand to her neck and he blinked down at her. Something in his brain snapped back into place, and he drew her into his arms. She resisted for a half-second, shaking, then melted against him.
“Mercy, Ayla,” Niel said, his voice coming out rough. “How could I possibly be mad at you? It’s my doing, too, if you’re with child.”
“But you’re happy now,” she whispered against him. “You said you’re happy just as things are.”
“I’m happy because I’m with you,” he answered. Niel tipped her chin up, trying to act calm for her sake, though he felt anything but. “I never thought we’d live on the road forever, heart-of-hearts. We’ll make it work, if that’s what you want to do. If you want to keep it.”
She nodded.
His heart pounded. Niel had never expected to live long enough to have a family, a real one. And how couldhe, of all people, be a father? He knew nothing of it, except the pain he’d found at his own father’s hands. Surely he’d ruin things, no matter how fiercely he wanted to get it right. Children were fragile.
“Niel?” Ayla whispered.
He was staring over her shoulder at the wall, his thoughts whirling like a storm-wind. Niel forced his gaze back to hers, heart pounding.
“You don’tlookalright,” she said.
For a moment he struggled against the urge to lie, and tell her all was well. But this was Ayla, and when he’d bared his wounds and fears to her before, she had accepted him without question, with open arms.
“I don't know if I can do this.”
“What?” She looked crestfallen.
“What if I do it wrong? What if I become like him?”
“Like who? Your father?” Ayla’s voice sounded incredulous. Niel nodded, all the skin on the back of his neck prickling. Each breath felt hard to draw, heavy.
“I'm not capable,” he told her. “Your child should have a father who is whole. Who won’t be cruel, or violent, or...”
“Would you ever hurtme, Niel?” she interrupted.
“Of course not.” His words were rough, forceful. Certain. He’d sooner cut off his own arm.
“Then why are you worried? You’re not him. You’renothinglike him.” She placed a hand on the side of his cheek, her touch cool and gentle. Instinctively he leaned towards her touch, pressing his face against her palm.
“Yes, but…” Niel started. “What if there’s something of him in me, and I change for the worse?”
“No. You make your own choices, Niel. And you are not the monster he became. You are not even the monster he tried to make you be. You are your own man, and a good one, at that.”
He didn’t let her words sink in, not fully. He wasn’t ready for that. But she’d made his thoughts calm for a moment.
Couldhe do this, for her? He did like the thought of raising a child, or children, who never knew what it felt like to be struck, who never had to cower in fear, or worry about being sold away. Still, knowing whatnotto do wasn't the same as being a good father. He had no example to follow.
“I didn’t mean to make you comfort me,” he muttered, suddenly shamed that he was not doing a better job supportingher.
“I do so gladly,” Ayla answered. She stroked her thumb across his cheek, then let her hand drop.
Mercy. How many months did they have? She’d mentioned something about money. They’d earned not a single copper on the road, only spent it, on months of food and lodgings and supplies. And how did one earn a living? He knew how to kill. Perhaps he could make money hunting monsters or as a bodyguard. He didn’t have much else to offer. And she’d mentioned something about having the baby on the road. Thatcouldn’t happen, but he had no idea how to go about any of it. How did one buy or rent a home, and in a language one barely spoke, at that? Niel let go of her and sank onto the edge of the bed, his mind reeling.
“Where are we going to live?” he asked.
“I liked that city,” she answered, her voice just as uncertain as his. “The one we passed through two weeks ago. Laticillo? I think? The people there seemed so kind, and happy. They had glassworks.”
“Alright,” Niel said.
“The lake was so big it made me think of the ocean,” she added. “And… it’s big enough we might have more luck with work, or languages, or finding somewhere to live.”
He nodded, and swallowed. She’d put more thought into this than he had. Of course, he’d only had a minute to wrap his head around the idea.
