“It’s Blair, isn’t it?” I asked, tears stinging my eyes.
He dragged a hand through his hair, sighed. “No, it’s not Blair. Like I told you at your party, there’s nothing between us. Even though she wants there to be.”
“So whatisit, then? And why bring me out here, just the two of us, if you didn’t want to make out, be with me? Is there something wrong with me?”
“God, no. That’s the problem. Ilikeyou. I meant it when I said that. But I’m already with someone else. I told you that before—”
“Yeah, but I assumed it was Blair. So, if it’s not her, then who?”
He grabbed the bottle of whiskey, took a long sip. Then another. “Fuck. I’m not supposed to tell anyone. But I feel like Ican trust you.”
You can’t, but I’ll pretend like you can. I nodded.
“I’m with Jane. I’m in love with Jane.”
I felt like I’d been stabbed. In the eye.
Fucking Jane Swift. Of course.
“Ugh.” I couldn’t help it; it just came out.
“What? Jane is awesome—”
“Then why are you out here withme?” I practically screeched.
Luke shook his head, licked his lips like he was trying to work out a problem. We were both wasted by this point; I felt like I had cotton balls jammed in my ears. And in my mouth.
His eyes were bloodshot when he turned and looked at me dead-on. “I just wanted to hang out with you, because Idolike you. As a friend. But thisisconfusing to me. I just didn’t expect to have, like, these kinds of feelings for you. But I am in love with Jane, and we shouldn’t have kissed.”
Any other normal girl would be sad at hearing this, but not me.
I am not normal.
Instead of hearing that he’s in love with someone else, with that ho,Jane, all I could hear was that he had feelings for me. All I could feel was his lips kissing me back.
He drove me home soon after, his Camaro crawling slowly up the drive. “I hope this doesn’t make things weird between us. I want to still be friends.”
I cracked open the door, held it with my foot. “Of course. It’s no big deal,” I said in the breeziest way possible, like he was crazy for even thinking that. “Thanks for a fun night.” I winked at him,then shut the door.
I can play it cool for now.
I know Luke really likes me. Iwillfind a way to fuck things up with him and Jane.
Lighting up the last of the cloves he gave me, I suck in a lungful, hold it in, and let it burn.
77
Jane
Luke and I can’t get out of here fast enough. Like, I’d leave tomorrow if we could.
I know we’re not gonna be readythatquickly, but we seriously need to leave in the next few days.
And never come back.
I’m up in the loft, watching Julia sleep, her chest rising and falling, her stringy hair pasted across her forehead. A mix of fury and pity wash over me. I still love my sister deeply, even though she can be a monster. And I know what drives her do to certain things is a lack of feeling loved. And that makes me so sad for her. But still, I know Ihaveto get away from her.
I can’t sleep, of course—not after what happened tonight—plus, I’m watching out the window, waiting to see Luke pull into the pasture.
