“Fung Shui…” He looks around. “It good how it is for now. So won’t change anything, but I do sense a change in you, sexy boy. You want something in life? Upheaval you seek, no?”
I grin as he places the bonsai on the counter and then turns it so it’s in a particular position. He opens the bag of kale chips and places one in his mouth, chomping down on it.
Looking up at the ceiling while trying to find my words, I lean against the kitchen counter. “I want to try new things—”
“Kale chip?” Whisper asks, interrupting me while handing me the bag.
I chuckle and take one but don’t actually eat it. “I mean, relationship-wise.”
He nods. “Oh… I see. You want to branch out into new horizon. Seek love in new places. Toboldly go where no manhas been before?” He winks at me and looks down at my crotch, then wiggles his ass, and I furrow my brow, wondering what the hell he’s on about.
“What?”
“It okay. It perfectly normal for man to like other man—”
“Wait, no! That’s not what I’m saying!”
He rests his hand on my shoulder and nods. “No need for shame. I have a book to show many ways of sexual position for man-on-man action…” He pauses. “If you know what I mean?” Whisper pulls his eyebrows up and down quickly.
I let out a small laugh. “You do?”
He smiles wide. “I do. I give you.”
“No, wait, you got me all wrong. I like women. I love women. I want to use your internet dating advice to help me find the perfect woman. Not a man, definitely…nota man.”
He furrows his brows. “Oh, yes, that make much more sense to me. Yes. This much better. We do this instead. I know how to find your perfect match. We make profile and find perfect woman. Ten out of ten for you, Matthew.”
“Yes, that’s exactly what I want.Myten out of ten. But we can’t put on there that it’s me, you know, Matt, bassist from Recoil, or we’ll have a flood of women spamming me.”
“Yes, this true. We must make your profile true, but your picture not. This easy to do with mood lighting. I also take your picture. It easy… I also photographer.”
I smirk and shake my head. “Is there anything you don’t do, Whisper?”
He purses his lips and nods. “Yes, I cannot belly dance, for I have no belly… hahaha. I crack joke. Whisper make funny. You laugh, sexy boy, yes?” he asks while rubbing his flat stomach.
I roll my eyes. “You’re so strange.”
“Strange merely a concept of one’s perception, sexy boy. Your strange, my normal, your normal, my strange, and so it goesaround and around till someone loses an eye… hahaha. I make funny again.”
I furrow my brows. “How is that funny?”
“Isn’t that how the joke go?” he asks, picking up and pulling out my MacBook. I shake my head from side to side slowly while he grins wide like the Cheshire cat. “Okay, maybe not, but I still think it funny. Okay, come sit with me, we make your profile on this site I always use. It best one for people like you.”
“People like me?”
“Yes, people who not so sure on how love should go. People who have rules on love.”
I nod, trying to follow. “Okay, so which dating site are you putting me on?”
Whisper smiles and types in the website address, sending me to www.lovepessimist.com. I furrow my brows and curl up my lip slightly at the name of the website.
“What’s the deal with the name of this site, Whisper?” I ask, and he nods like he knew this question was coming.
“This site for people who are pessimistic about love and only looking for real relationship. Nothing like one-nighter or anything that give out false hope.Lovepessimistfor people who believe love is out there, but you have to work hard to find it.”
“Okay. So what do we do first?”
“We take a picture of you, sexy boy.” He pulls out his cell while moving in and fussing with my hair. I chuckle as he swooshes my hair to the side, and then he moves me up against the wall.
