Being without her is something that scares the shit out of me.
But I can’t let her go.
If having her and having the risk of losing her means I get to have some sort of life with her, then I’d rather take the risk than not have her at all.
What the fuck was I thinking?
I love her.
Ineedher.
I don’t want to spend another minute—nay, another second without her in my life.
Fuck the risks!
“Tillie, I’m sorry. There’s something I’ve been keeping from you, something from my past. Something that’s been holding me back in our relationship. But if you’re willing to hear me, I want to open up to you. I want to prove to you that… I love you.”
She stops throwing things into the box and slumps her shoulders like she’s relieved. She glances at me as a single tear rolls down her cheek. Her bottom lip trembles, and she simply nods.
I take a deep breath, knowing this is my one and only shot at making her stay.
At getting her back into my life.
I reach out for her hand, and she lets me take it. Our fingers intertwine, and a spark so intense jolts through me, making me gasp. I notice her breathing hitch, too, and I swallow hard as we walk off down the hall. I don’t even have to tell her where we’re headed. She seems to read my mind as we move for the fire escape.
We step up the stairs, and the crisp midday air hits my face. It’s getting close to December, and it is pretty chilly up here these days. She wraps her arms around herself as we walk to theedge of the building, taking a seat. We’re quiet for a moment, but I don’t want to let the silence take a stranglehold.
I want to tell her about Katie.
I’m ready.
So I turn to face her and grab both her hands, holding them securely in mine.
Taking a deep cleansing breath, I start, “So, I know you’re wondering who Katie is,” I say, and she sits up a little taller and nods.
My chest tightens slightly, but I push through the memories threatening to consume me. “Katie was my childhood sweetheart. We grew up together and basically knew we were going to end up being together for the rest of our lives.” I smile at the happy memory.
“We were eighteen when I asked her to marry me. We were young, yes, but we’d been together since we were pretty much twelve years old, if you can even have a relationship that young. But Katie and I, we were inseparable.”
Tillie chews on her bottom lip while furrowing her brows slightly.
“We got married not long after I asked her, and then two years later, we had our little girl, Maddison.”
Her eyes open wide, and her brows furrow like she’s completely confused, but she doesn’t say anything. Instead, she tightens her hands in mine.
“Anyway, we were a happy little family. I loved my girls more than anything, but thenthat nighthappened.” I tense up, stopping and taking a second to compose myself.
Next to me, I feel her breathing quicken, so I turn to look at her beautiful face. Her eyes glisten like she’s on the verge of tears.
“You don’t have to tell me anymore if it’s too painful,” she offers kindly, but this isn’t about me. Tillie needs to know andknow it all if we are to move forward from here to a future together.
“No, it’s okay, you need to hear this…” I fake a smile. “I was driving. Katie was the front passenger, and of course, Maddie was in her booster seat in the back. We were on our way out for a family dinner. Maddie was crying. I was distracted, trying to make her happy, you know, being the goofball dad that I was. I only wanted my baby to feel better. So I had her binky, and I was playing with her when I should have been justfuckingdriving.”
My eyes well up, and I have to swallow hard to get past the lump that’s formed in my throat. I can’t risk looking at Tillie, but I can hear her sniffing as my eyes mist up completely.
“I looked back for a moment, just to try to ease Maddie. The light had turned green, so I drove straight through, but a truck driver on his cell phone wasn’t paying attention to his red light.”
A sob leaves my throat, and Tillie squeezes my hands tighter. The tears don’t fail me as they burst through and slowly slide down my cheeks. I don’t care if she sees me cry. There’s one thing I’ll cry for in this world, and it’s my dead family. I’m not ashamed of that.
