“Ah, but you did the cooking,” Marina says coming into the kitchen and casting her eyes over the cookies. “They turned out great.”
My mom smiles even wider at the praise, and I wonder how many friends she has in town. Not acquaintances, but really close friends she can call on. I know I’m not responsible for her, but again I get the feeling that it must have been tough on her being without her family, and a sliver of guilt lodges in my chest. Another subject I want to discuss with her when we get some time together.
“Can I look?” Marina taps the yearbook that I left on the table, and I nod. She sits and opens the cover.
“Oh yes, let’s see.” My mom sets down a couple of cups of coffee and takes a seat next to her.
They start skimming through it and I lean back against the counter and pick up another cookie. This time it’s cool enough to enjoy properly, and I munch my way through it, watching them.
“Oh look, there’s Miles. He’s our local handyman. Wasn’t he on the swim team with you?” She directs the question at me.
“He was,” I mumble round a mouthful of cookie.
“Oh, and there’s Holden, he was such a sweet kid,” my mom says and starts to tell Marina all about him. How he was a gentle child, so talented with his crafts. She describes how he was an anxious young man who seemed to struggle with anxiety, but how he now runs his own store.
“I’ll take you to his store on Monday. It’s the best in the county,” she adds. Her words and how she describes him are all true, and I hear the respect she has for him in her voice. A lump forms in my throat, made of the guilt of what I did to him and that I contributed to his anxiety.
I utter something about needing to get ready, and flee the kitchen, unable to bear listening to them any longer. I know I’m making a mess of fixing things with him but I’m determined to try again. It’s the only way I’m going to stop feeling like this.
I try not to notice the fact that I’m one of the few people without a prom date. It feels painfully obvious when we mingle before dinner. I chat with Marcia and her husband for a little while, and she tells me more about her work. I know the exact moment Holden walks into the room. I have no clue how, I just do, like an emptiness in me that I didn’t know existed is suddenly filled. I take a deep breath and swivel round to see him. He’s with Clara and they’re greeting a couple of people. He looks very smart in a suit instead of his usual knitwear. It’s dark blue and he’s wearing a cream shirt. With his chestnut hair and beard helooks breathtaking and I drink in the sight of him. He turns and looks directly at me as if he also senses my presence. His gaze is neutral but he tilts his head slightly as if he’s appraising me, and I tip my chin up slightly in acknowledgement, a silent greeting from afar. The only response he gives is a slow blink and to press his lips together before he turns away again.
A deep urge to go over to him wells up inside me, and I take three steps before his last words to me come flooding back, stopping me in my stride. A moment of clarity hits me. Every time I’ve seen him since I came back to this town, I’ve inserted myself into his space, made him talk to me. Each time he’s either walked away or asked me to leave. Clearly that tactic isn’t working so I need to try something different. I’ll show him we can exist in the same space without me hassling him. It can’t hurt, so I keep my distance but continue to watch him. I can’t help that.
I almost jump out of my skin when a large hand clamps down on my shoulder. I spin round and look straight up into the face of Rory Danvers.
“Rory!” I exclaim, half from the shock and half in surprise at seeing him, as I hadn’t seen him yesterday or earlier. Rory was my second on the swim team, the only one who could get close to my speed.
“Hey, man,” he says, his voice rich and deep.
“What happened to you?” I ask as he draws me into a tight bear hug. Back in high school he was a beanpole, already well over six feet tall by our senior year. Now he’s almost as broad as well. He releases me from the hug and spreads his arms, turning a full circle.
“I grew,” he guffaws, and then introduces me to an attractive blonde woman who was eclipsed behind him. “Suzie, my wife.” I shake her hand.
“Pleased to meet you, do you have anyone with you?” she asks, looking around.
“I came alone.” I give a brief smile and she returns it.
“Would you like to sit with us for dinner? I’m sure Rory would like to catch up with you. I’ve heard a few stories over the years, but it’s nice to finally meet you.”
“Now I am worried,” I say, but she smiles broadly so they can’t see me in a bad light. I like Suzie and accept her offer. When we’re seated I ask Rory to tell me his story.
“I went to Berkeley on a swim scholarship. In the second year I needed more strength training. My coach suggested weights, and let’s just say I liked them more than swimming. I started to take them seriously and was California State Champion from 2010 to 2012.”
“That’s really impressive,” I say, meaning it, and he looks pleased.
Suzie starts to speak but we’re interrupted by the servers. Once they’ve moved on I ask, “What were you saying?”
“Nothing.” She shakes her head slightly. “I was just going to say I need to check in on the children.”
“You have children?” I turn to Rory.
He breaks out into a broad grin, and while we eat he tells me that they have a boy and a girl, and I can tell how proud he is of both of them.
“What about you?” he asks casually and I school my face into a neutral expression, but obviously not fast enough. “Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to pry. I shouldn’t ask.”
“It’s alright,” I reply. “I’ve never been lucky enough to find someone I wanted to settle down with forever.”
“That’s tough, pal.” He squeezes my shoulder. “Maybe you’ll find her soon.”
