And I’m thinking about him again.
Being with him the other day, getting down on my knees and doing what he asked, it’s the most exciting thing I’ve done in a long time. The rush I felt, the edge of fear as I tried to do what he wanted, I haven’t felt that since the early days when Gavin and I got started exploring our limits together. And then I nearly screwed it up with Mason. Gavin would have said I needed to be punished. Mason was nicer about it. I don’t know if that’s better or worse, but I’d like to find out.
But he still hasn’t called.
We go home and I buy myself a little quiet time with a toy full of frozen kibble and peanut butter. I read about them on the internet, and the way Athena prances around with it in her mouth like she’s won the lottery says maybe it will actually work.
I try to distract myself by resurrecting the manuscript that she chewed through. I used a whole pack of paper to print it off again. Going through it, trying to make notes that I’ve already made, it’s painful. Pointless. I’m never going to finish. Every time I think I’m done, I read it again and realize there’s still so much work to do. And now I’m repeating work I’ve already done, so how can I possibly ever finish?
I’m about ready to shove the whole thing into a drawer when my phone rings.
Mason.
Now? He calls now?
“Hello?”
“Hey, Charlie. It’s Mason.”
“Hi.” My heart is beating right out of my chest. Does he know? Does he know what a mess I am? If he did, he probably wouldn’t want anything to do with me.
“How are you doing?”
I force myself to smile. “Yeah, pretty good. Athena and I just got back from a walk. She did really well. Less pulling. And she’s resting now.”
“Did you get a crate for her?”
I wrinkle my nose. “No, I thought we’d see how it goes now that we’re doing better with the rest of the training.”
The silence on the phone says he disagrees, and my conviction threatens to fail me, but I tighten my grip and wait out the pause.
Finally, he says, “Sorry for not calling sooner. I was...I had to take care of a few things.”
“Yeah. Yeah, no problem.” He said I wasn’t supposed to lie, but white lies during small talk don’t count, right?
Athena walks into the office. She’s got one of my socks in her mouth. Guess that frozen treat thing wasn’t a magic cure all, though in the grand scheme of things, a sock is pretty minor.
“Listen,” Mason says with a heavy sigh, and my blood freezes in my veins.
“I just wanted to say that I’m not really looking for anything serious,” I blurt.
“Okay.” Mason draws the word out slowly.
“I mean, I just got out of a long-term relationship. Along, long-term relationship. So I’m still figuring out who I am alone again, and if I’m with you, then I’m not alone, right?”
The pause on the phone is agonizing. Maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe Mason only ever thought we were going to have a casual thing and now he’s reconsidering.
But he says, “Of course. It doesn’t have to be anything big. We can have fun.”
Relief washes over me. I couldn’t have handled his rejection today.
“Right,” I say with a laugh. “No. Nothing serious. I mean, I just got out of a relationship. A long one. A serious one. I—”
Now Mason laughs. “Charlie. It’s okay. You already said that. I don’t need your whole life story. Casual. Remember?”
Right. I clamp my lips together, waiting for my thoughts to settle. Something still feels off, like a patio table that still leans even after you stuff a bunch of coasters under one leg. There are still some things he needs to know.
“So we’re really going to do this?”
