“Gerard.”
“I’m just saying, if you did like him?—”
“I don’t.”
“—it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.”
The game starts, and within minutes, I’m up 2-0. Gerard’s defensive strategy consists mainly of button-mashing and yelling at the screen with his colorful synonyms for curse words. It’s endearing in a way that makes you want to pat him on the head and give him a participation trophy.
“Hey, so, uh…hypothetically speaking”—I time my question perfectly with a breakaway that has Gerard frantically working his controller—“if someone did have a crush on a friend, how would they know if it’s worth pursuing?”
Gerard’s player crashes into the boards. “What? Oh! Like how I had a crush on Elliot?”
“Sure.” I score again, making it 3-0.
“Well…” Gerard’s tongue pokes out in concentration as he tries to mount a comeback. “I knew pretty much right away that Elliot was special. The second I saw him in the library, my brain went all fuzzy, my stomach flip-flopped, and my toes curled. And that usually only happens when I’m about to bust a nut.”
Lovely image.“But how did you know he’d be interested back?” I keep my eyes fixed on the screen.
“Oh, I didn’t!” Gerard laughs, filling the room with the booming sound. “I was convinced he hated me for weeks. He kept rolling his eyes and being all snarky. But Google told me that could be a way of flirting for some people.”
I snort. “I never knew Google was a relationship expert.”
“Right? Me neither, but Google was right. Elliot was scared because he hadn’t felt that way about someone since high school. Plus, I’m a hockey player, and his last boyfriend was one too, and it didn’t end in a happily ever after, obviously.” Gerard’s player finally scores, and he whoops as if he’s won the Stanley Cup. “The thing is, I could tell Elliot was into guys. You know how the back of your neck tingles when someone’s eyes are on you? When I walked out of the library that first day, I felt that tingle travel all the way down my spine. Glanced over my shoulder and saw Elliot ogling my butt.”
Huh.The most homoerotic thing Jackson’s ever done to me is patted my ass, and even then, it was pure bro energy. No lingering touches, no heated stares, no signs whatsoever that he sees me as anything more than his buddy.
“But, again, hypothetically,” I press on because I’m a masochist, “what if the friend is straight?”
Gerard pauses the game and faces me with a burrowed brow. “Hypothetically?”
“Yes.” I unpause the game and score while he’s distracted.
“Hey! No fair!” He scrambles for his controller. “Okay, well…sexuality is complicated. I thought I was straight until I met Elliot. Never ogled a guy before him.”
“But you had to have some idea, right? Like, maybe you noticed a nice ass here and there, but it didn’t register as anything other than appreciation at the time?”
Gerard shrugs, his massive shoulders rolling. “I mean, I knew everyone on our team had nice butts. Even yours has always been two perfect scoops of ice cream. But I thought that was objective appreciation, you know? Same as how you can acknowledge a sunset is beautiful without wanting to make love to it.”
I choke on nothing. “You think my ass looks like ice cream?”
“Vanilla. Or maybe butter pecan when you’ve gone tanning.” He says this completely seriously, as though he’s put actual thought into what ice cream flavor my ass resembles. “Nathan thinks it’s more like cookie dough, but?—”
“Hold up. You guys discuss my ass?”
“We discuss everyone’s ass. It’s the Hockey House. Last week, we ranked them by squishability factor.”
“Jesus Christ.” I score another goal while processing this information. “Where did I rank?”
“Third. You would’ve been second, but Oliver’s got that thickness that edges you out. Kyle’s is too firm to rank high on squishability, but scores top marks for overall aesthetic appeal.”
This is simultaneously the weirdest and the most flattering conversation I’ve ever had. “And yours?”
“Off the charts, obviously.” He grins, back to his sunshine self. “Nathan says it defies logic.”
I’m sure he does.
“As does Elliot and the Ice Queen too.” We play in silence for a few minutes before Gerard speaks again. “But back to your hypothetical situation. Sometimes, you have to leap. I kissed Elliot on Halloween, not knowing if he’d punch me or kiss me back. Scariest moment of my life.”
