I grab Elliot’s arm and physically drag him away from the table. Sarah’s delighted laughter follows us through the stacks. “You’re evil,” I inform him as we reach the elevators.
“I’m helpful,” he corrects.
The elevator dings, and we step inside. “Thanks. For the talk. Even if you did just ruin my life with Sarah.”
“She would have found out anyway. She always does.”
Back in my dorm room,I drop onto my bed and stare at the ceiling. Ryan’s at class for the next two hours, which means I have the room to myself. My laptop sits on my desk, beckoning as my mind drifts back to my conversation with Elliot. The way he talked casually about sex, about him and Gerard.
Have you ever experimented? With yourself?
The question echoes in my head. I open up my laptop and stare at the cursor blinking in the empty search bar.
This is stupid. I’m being stupid.
But Ryan is in class, and I’m already half-hard from thinking about it.
I type:How to finger yourself for men.
The results are educational, to put it mildly. I click on what appears to be a reputable health site, skimming past the safety warnings and hygiene tips to get to the actual how-to. My heart pounds as I read about positions, angles, and something called the prostate that’s apparently the “male G-spot.”
Another search:First time anal play solo
This time, I find a more detailed guide with anatomical diagrams. I study them as if I were preparing for an exam, memorizing terms and locations. The prostate is about two inches inside, toward the front. Supposed to feel like a walnut. The guide recommends going slow, using plenty of lube, and listening to your body.
My hands shake slightly as I get up and lock the door, double-checking it twice. I dig through my dresser until I find the bottle of lube I keep hidden under my socks.
Standing in the middle of my room, I feel ridiculous. But I am also curious and increasingly drawn to the idea of doing this. Of understanding what it might feel like if Drew and I were ever to hook up.
I strip from the waist down, folding my jeans and boxers neatly because I can’t stop being neurotic even when I’m about to finger myself for the first time. The air is cool against my skin, making me hyperaware of every sensation.
Following the guide’s advice, I lie back on my bed and prop my feet up on the wall, knees bent. I’ve never felt so naked, even when I am naked. My cock is fully hard now, curving toward my stomach, but I ignore it for now.
I pour lube onto my fingers, probably too much, but better safe than sorry. The first touch to my hole makes me jump—it’s cold and strange and nothing like touching myself anywhere else. I circle the area as the guide suggested, attempting to relax and not think too hard about what I’m doing.
When I finally press one finger inside to the first knuckle, I have to stop and breathe. It doesn’t hurt exactly, but it’s weird. Foreign. I feel full even from this tiny intrusion.
“Okay,” I whisper to myself. “Okay, this is…okay.”
I push deeper, slowly and carefully, remembering the diagrams. Two inches in toward the front. My finger slides further, and I curl it forward, searching for?—
“Oh, fuck!”
The sensation hits me like lightning. I found it—that walnut-sized bump the guide mentioned—and holy shit, they weren’t exaggerating about it being the male G-spot. Even the lightest pressure sends sparks through my entire body, making my cock twitch and leak precome onto my stomach.
I press again, more deliberately this time, and my spine curves like a bow drawn taut, shoulder blades pressing into the mattress as my hips lift toward the ceiling. Something between a growl and a whimper tears from my throat, vibrating through my chest before I can swallow it back. This is nothing like jerking off. This is…I don’t even have words for what this is.
“God, oh God,” I pant, squirming as I slide a second finger next to the first. The stretch is sharper this time, my hole clenching around the new intruder, but the discomfort is nothing compared to the raw jolt of pleasure that follows—fullness, pressure, a heat that blooms out from my ass and spreads like wildfire through my limbs. My toes curl against the wall, nails scraping at the plaster. I breathe through the sting, thigh muscles trembling, and let my mind go where it clearly wants to go.
Drew, sweaty and smiling, pinning me to the sticky roller rink bathroom wall with his hips, grinding so hard I thought my brain was going to explode. I remember how thick he felt, even through two layers of spandex, his cock rutting against mine until I creamed myself right there in the stall.
I almost want to laugh at how obsessed I am with this guy, but then I imagine his cock inside me. The way it would stretch me, the burn of it, him holding me steady while he pushed in slow, savoring every inch. I’d probably lose my mind. Or at least my dignity, but that ship has sailed so many times it’s a miracle it hasn’t sunk.
I work my fingers deeper, twisting them the way the guide described, and every time I brush my prostate my cock jumps. My balls are pulled so tight to my body it hurts, but the pain is weirdly good, too. I can’t believe I’ve gone my whole life not knowing this is possible, not knowing that I could get this close to coming from having something up my ass. If Drew were here, he’d laugh at how many brain cells I’m dedicating to this, then lose his train of thought and stick his dick in my mouth to shut me up.
A shudder racks me from head to toe, and I let out a choked-off, desperate sound that echoes off the walls. I start thrusting my fingers in and out, making a slick wet noise that’s honestly kind of gross, but I can’t stop. My cock is leaking all over my stomach, every muscle in my body straining as I chase the sensation. The bed creaks beneath me, and I realize if someone’s in the hallway they could probably hear everything, but the thought only turns me on more. I want everyone to know what Drew does to me, what I’ll let him do if he ever asks.
I picture him behind me, strong arms caging me in, his abs pressed to my back, the hard line of his cock splitting me open—fuck, I want it so much more than I should.
