His head swivelled towards me, and I looked over.
‘Ally, none of this was your faul?—’
‘Just…’ I said, raising a hand to stop him. ‘What I said a minute ago, about doing everything I could…’ I shook my head. ‘I didn’t.’
‘But—’
‘No, it’s true. I’ve been thinking about this for the past few days and you weren’t the only one who handled it badly. I could have done more – alotmore. Why didn’t Isaysomething when my husband started disappearing for huge chunks of time?Anything– athousanddifferent things. “Darling, could you possibly stop leaving me alone all the time? I miss you too much when you’re away.” I mean, it’s not brain surgery, is it?’
‘Not when you put it like that.’
‘I know that sounds flippant, but I really could have spoken up.Shouldhave. Hindsight is such a powerful thing, isn’t it?’
‘It is. But we were barely in our twenties. Neither of us knew much about anything.’
Our eyes met, and we shared a look of compassion for our younger selves.
‘I really am sorry, though,’ he added. He extended his hand, spanning the gap between our two chairs. I stared at it, torn. Wasn’t this goodbye? A long, tortured, drawn-out goodbye?
Fuck it.I took his hand and he smiled briefly, running his thumb over my knuckles.
‘So, what now?’ he asked, his voice heavy with the question.
‘Now, we go back to our lives, right?’ I asked, looking over again. He peered into my eyes, his grip on my hand tightening.
‘Or…?’
I drew in a shallow breath. I wasn’t prepared forOr…?I wasn’t prepared for any of this. I’d been too busy doing my own compartmentalising: Julian needs me… Crisis at Divorced Diva HQ… My new gal pal is the ringleader of a spy network… Tommy is the best shag I’ve ever had – why not take him for another ride?
Only now there werefeelingsinvolved – especiallyhope, which lingered in the air like a fart after a takeaway korma. And I didn’t dare admit to the L-word, even though it was lurking nearby, ready to pounce.
But what good were hope or love when our circumstances were pitted against us? Tommy’s job made it impossible to sustain a meaningful relationship and I was the Divorced Diva, for fuck’s sake! Thedivorcedpart was the primary driver of my entire platform.
What was I supposed to do, change the name?
The Not-So-Divorced Diva. The Once-Divorced-Now-Loved-Up Diva. The Sorry-I-Went-Back-On-Everything-I-Said-About-Divorce Diva.
‘You really need to tell me what’s happening in there,’ said Tommy, dragging me from my thoughts.
‘In there?’
‘Your head,’ he replied, tapping his with a fingertip. ‘Your face is telling tales out of school.’
I sucked my lips between my teeth, desperately searching for the best reply when uneasiness crept back in.Real life is a bitch sometimes.
‘Oh god, I’m not going to like this, am I?’ he asked.
‘No, but neither am I.’
He dropped my hand. ‘But I thought… Never mind.’
‘What? What did you think?’
‘I…’
‘Tommy, what can possibly come of this? Are you quitting your job?’
‘No.’
