‘You selfish bastard,’ I snarled, flicking back the duvet and climbing out of bed. I headed straight for the discarded robe, scooping it off the floor and shoving my arms into it, then wrapping it tightly around me, my arms folded across my chest. Fluffy armour. I rounded on Tommy, shooting him a look so scathing, soferocious,I’m surprised lasers didn’t shoot from my eyes.
He dropped his gaze, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he gulped. ‘You have every right to call me that.’
‘Iknow. How dare you leave me crumbs, then tell yourself they were enough. Theyweren’t. And you may have thought of me as asafehaven, but you were different when you came home.Everytime. Moody, sullen, distracted… Even when you werethere,you weren’t. And just as I’d start to get a glimpse of Tommy, of myhusband, you’d disappear again. And you have the gall to tell meIleft the marriage! There may have been two of you, Tommy, but one of them was barely a shell. And guess which one I got?’
I whipped around and stalked into the lounge room, pacing its length in front of the picture window as I fumed. Adrenalin pumped through my veins, my heartbeat thudding in my ears.
Howdarehe.
‘How dare you!’ I shouted into the next room, which made me feel slightly better. But only slightly.
The robe was flapping as I paced, so I scouted for the tie – it was on the floor where Tommy had tossed it. I snatched it up and tied it around me, tightly yanking the ends just as Tommy stepped into the doorway to the bedroom, wearing only a pair of jeans. It had always been my favourite outfit on him – jeans and nothing else. He looked like a model from a Levi’s ad. I averted my eyes. I may have been furious with him, but my libido hadnotgot the memo.
‘Can I say something?’ he asked.
‘You just did.’
‘Can I say something else?’
I stopped pacing and glowered at him expectantly.
‘Well?’
He grabbed the back of his neck and stretched it to the side, a gesture that meant,What the fuck do I do now?Or in this instance,What the fuck do I say that won’t piss Ally off any more than I already have?
‘How about I make us some coffee, and we go sit out there?’ he asked, dropping his hand and nodding towards the porch.
‘Fine.’
I strode past him into the bedroom and slammed the door, then quickly got dressed in jeans and a tank top –witha bra. Tommy didnotget to see the girls unfettered.
When I came out of the bedroom, he was holding two coffees. He handed one to me and I took it without sayingthank you, then went outside. I sat and sipped my coffee, staring out at the Aegean. The coffee was delicious, but I wasn’t about to tell Tommy that.
He came out to join me a short time later, having put his T-shirt on (thank god). He sat in the chair next to mine, and we drank in silence. I watched the sky for the falcon and right as Tommy started to speak, she appeared, flying low from one side of the vista to the other.
‘Was that a hawk?’ he asked. The absurdity of our dour morning being interrupted by a bird –mybird, as I’d come to think of her – was nearly enough to make me smile. But not quite.
‘Falcon,’ I replied. Although, it was only a guess. But I wasn’t about to tell him that either.
‘Right,’ he said. Then he was quiet again, long enough for the silence to become unbearable.
‘I thought you wanted to say something,’ I said eventually.
‘I do and…’
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him twist his body towards mine. I darted a look in his direction, catching his expression. Unadulterated penitence, damn him. My heartstrings felt a sharp tug, but I returned my gaze to the view.
‘I’m sorry, Ally. For all of it. I said before it was immaturity – and it was in part – but you were right to call me selfish. I was selfish and stupid and blind to what I had. There is no excuse, only reasons, and I realise – hearing myself say all this out loud – how ridiculously feeble they are. Howtrite. It was careless of me to treat our marriage like that – reckless, even – and then to blame you?—’
‘Exactly,’ I interjected, facing him. ‘You blamed me when I did everything in my power to keep us intact.’
He looked down, staring into his coffee. ‘You’re right about that too.’ He heaved out a weighty sigh. ‘But blaming you was easier than admitting I’d failed you, that I’d let my career become all-consuming to the detriment of our marriage. I think it helped me miss you less, convincing myself thatyouwanted the divorce. It definitely hurt less – or at least I pretended it did.’
A stone lodged in my chest. All those years, Tommy had been hurting too. I’d told myself he’d abandoned the marriage because that’s what he wanted, that he hadn’t loved me enough. But hadIfought for us –reallyfought for us? And not just compromising, but putting our marriage above all else?
No.
‘Wow, we completely cocked that up, didn’t we?’ I asked.
