My lips stretch into a smile as I think, ‘fuck ‘em’.
I don't need my father's approval.
Just thinking it feels good.
Even after graduating top of my class in business school, my Mount Everest always belonged to getting my father’s approval. Love. Affection. Whatever. An honor I'm sure I'll never get.
I don't need him.
The thought chips away a dark piece of my life every time I think it.
"Are you okay?" Hallie's voice pulls me from my thoughts. She's crouched in front of me, concern and guilt in her brown eyes, which are puffy from crying, her face is still pale, and I feel horrible for causing it.
Pushing Gray's coat open, the smell of smoke and sandalwood stirring around me, I put my legs down and scoot to the edge of the couch and grab her shoulders to pull her in for a hug.
"Oof." Her breath puffs out over my shoulder as she loses her balance and rolls forward into me to land on her knees, her arms going around me.
"Yes, I'm okay." Grabbing her shoulders, I lean back andlook her in the eyes. "You're going to think I'm a crazy person, but you just helped me more than you'll ever know."
Her eyebrows climb half-way up her forehead as she looks at me like I may have lost oxygen to my brain. "Oo-kaay," she slowly drawls.
Giving her another quick hug, I stand up but quickly sit back down from the dizziness caused by the EpiPen.
"Whoa, you probably need to sit down for another minute." Mr. Harlow says and puts a hand on my shoulder, hovering next to me. So, that’s where Gray gets his protective nature.
It takes a few more seconds for the dizziness to pass, and I give my head a little shake. "I'm fine. Where did he go?" My gaze lands on Mr. Harlow, who is also looking at me cautiously, like I've suffered a brain injury instead of an allergic reaction.
His head tilts to the side a little before he jerks it toward the kitchen and says, "Back door, probably back to the stables. But you can't go out there without a coat and something on your feet to keep you from sliding."
Nodding my head, I walk past him, and Marley and Lainey Rai, who are standing in the doorway. Marley's smile is warm, like she knows a secret, and gives me a wink. I feel all eyes on me as I walk down the hall into the kitchen.
In the mudroom, there are several coats hanging up and I grab one that looks like it might be Marley's to put on and slip my feet into a dirty pair of mud boots standing on a mat that are probably three sizes too big for me. Strapped to them are what look like steel cleats, and they feel funny as I take a step towards the door, but once I step outside, I understand their importance.
There is a coat of ice on everything. Every rock, leaf, and dirt rut are lined with ice like someone shook out an invisible blanket that formed to every surface in sight. My breath is inclouds in front of me as I take one slow step at a time down the small hill, my arms held out to my sides to help keep my balance on the incline.
The cold air feels good on my face, and I take a deep breath, the air smells like ice cubes in a freezer. I can see the divots in the ice from the guys walking back and forth and I follow them to the stable I was in the first day I was here. Was that just four days ago? I feel like it could be a lifetime.
Probably because I have dropped a lifetime of anxiety off my back since I've been here.
The door that’s inset into a large sliding door is cracked open and I push it open all the way to step inside, the smell of hay, horses and poop fill my nose. It's not a wholly unpleasant smell, it makes me smile because it seems to cling faintly on Gray like the weakest note of a cologne, blending with his aftershave.
Distant mumbling pulls my attention to one of the stalls to my right and toward the back. The large corridor is warm compared to the air outside and my eyes travel to the rafters, there are heaters hanging over each stall. They look like long fluorescent lights, and some are glowing red.
When I was in here a few days ago, I didn't pay much attention to the structure itself because I was so nervous, but now I turn in a circle with my head back to take in all the details. It's a very nice stable, big and clean. I can't imagine how much work goes into keeping this up.
Heads poke out of stalls as I walk by, big, curious, black eyes watching me. Each horse is covered in a blanket that looks like a quilt, and they look very comfortable. A large stall toward the middle of the stable has a hose, hooks, brushes and lots of tools hanging from the walls. As I creep closer to look at the room, a fuzzy nose pokes my neck and hot air huffs onto my ear. I nearly jump out of my boots with a squeak.
Turning as I take a step back, I'm face to face with a shinybrown face poking out of the stall next to the hose room, a long white streak slashes up the center of the nose like someone slid a paintbrush up it, one side blends with the white surrounding its eye. I don't know if it's a boy or a girl, but the energy from it is the sweetest, most unconditional energy I have ever felt. I tentatively lift my hand to its nose, and it closes the small distance to push the softness into my palm.
Tears sting my eyes as I slide my hand up and scratch the coarse hair above its eyes. I've never had a pet, I always wanted a dog when I was little, but dad said they poop in the house, and he forbid it.
Taking a step closer, I close my eyes and let the horse nuzzle my shoulder and cheek while I scratch his jaw. Emotions I always keep pushed down are trying to bubble up through my chest. I'm in awe at how another being I just met less than a minute ago makes me feel so comforted, like it knows I need connection and it's more than happy to give it.
Is this how Marley feels every day? Because it feels amazing.
Just being close to this creature that’s nuzzling me like we’re old friends is like a warm hug.
"That's Lainey Rai's horse, Felix, he loves people." Gray's deep voice booms in the corridor and pulls me back to the moment, and my eyes fly open as I jump and turn in his direction.
