“You must be mistaking my obvious displeasure for some other emotion.” Her eyes scan me. “Is that a common issue of yours?”
“Not at all.” I pull us back towards Dick when I see him undoing his apron and tossing the plastic gloves.
“Can you tell me what you have planned?” She asks.
“See the nut guy?” I ask her. She looks around and spots Dick leaving the pagoda before nodding.
“Let’s kill the shit out of him,” I say with a smile.
“Both of us?” She blanches.
“You’re just the mascot, don’t worry. Cheer me on, or whatever you think a therapist should do.”
“Shit,” she hisses as we follow Dick down an empty hallway. There’s a bathroom at the very end and two big doors that lead outside. We walk past something on the wall. I quickly turn around and stare at it in surprise.
“I thought they got rid of all of these,” I say in awe.
“Oh god,” Sophie says. It’s a fire ax. They were all supposed to be removed since the glass breaking hurt too many people, and also, maybe, they don’t entirely trust us with a mounted ax in public places anymore. Luckily, this one has a door I swing open. I grab hold of the weapon.
“Are you following me?” We both startle and look at Dick, the nut guy. He’s got a mop of orange hair on his head and is wearing a Home Alone shirt sporting the words “Filthy Animal.”
I look at Sophie; she looks at me. I shrug and lunge at the guy, lifting my axe. This inspires Sophie to start cheering. It’s a very shrill mascot cheer. Dick jerks backward and falls on his ass. My axe swings past him and buries in the wall.
“Strike one,” I say, wrenching it back out of the wall. The Santa hat’s ball falls in my face, and I flick it out of the way. “Hey, Dick, if I get three strikes, you get to live!”
“What!” He yells. I lift the ax high and bring it down towards his head. He flings himself backward, and the blade sinks into his thigh. Blood gushes.
“Ooo nicked it.”
“This is a fucking mess!” Sophie yells as crimson spills on gray tiles. “What the fuck, Soren!”
“The misses hates a mess,” I tell Dick. The mall music shifts to Last Christmas. “Fuck I love this song.” Despite having more blood on the floor than inside his body, Dick scrambles down the hall towards the doors.
“Can you stop singing along to the music?” Sophie growls. “I can’t believe this is really happening.”
“This is a great time to show off,” I tell Sophie.
“It really isn’t,” she insists, clinging to the wall with bulging eyes. I slide my hand down the ax’s handle, gripping the base loosely. Then I line myself up. Dick is a good twenty-five feet away and a moving target. It’s a hard throw to get, especially since this axe isn’t as sharp as it could be. I have to put a lot of force into it as I throw.
It twists fast, spinning in the air in a blur before sinking between Dick’s shoulders. He drops to the ground and doesn’t move. I look over my shoulder at Sophie with a satisfied smile.
“See, great time to show off,” I say. She looks absolutely exasperated. This is a lot more fun than the last kill. Everyone should drag their therapist along for murders. I walk down the hall towards the guy, careful to avoid the trail of blood leading to him.
“Oh my god. Oh mygod. Is he dead?” She asks. I press my black Santa boot to his back and rip the ax out. Then I lift it up one-handed and sink it into the back of his neck. Sophie screams.
“Well, if he wasn’t before, he is now.”
“I don’t know what I thought was going to happen,” Sophie says. She’s got a thousand-yard stare on her face.
“Me either. That fire ax was a good find.”
“No, Soren. I meant—Gah!” She throws up her hands and then stomps to the bathroom in the hall. With that, I work on getting the guy in the Santa sack I have. By the time Sophie comes back out, he’s in my sack, waiting by the double-door exit.
“Ready, Mrs Claus?”
“As I’ll ever be,” she sighs. We push out into the cold parking lot.
“It’s Santa!” Some teens cry out with a laugh as I carry the sack back to my truck. I wave and give a ho-ho-ho. After I toss the body in the back, I climb into the driver’s seat.
