“Right,” I sigh. Look like a couple, he said. Guess we need to be semi-convincing in case he gets arrested for murder.
6
SOREN
Loneliness makes a person do strange things. That's what I’m thinking about as I watch the grumpiest therapist in the world guide the next child up for their turn on Mall Santa’s lap. Mall Santa is me.
“Ho ho ho!” I call out. Sophie looks like she wants to murder me. My wink gets an eye roll. Her elf ears and outfit don’t fit her perfectly. I had to guess her size. Who knew she was hiding that chest under her sweaters? Well, everyone knows now. I glare at one of the fathers standing in line with their kid. He’s been ogling her. He notices my death glare, and his eyes dart away from the both of us.
“What’s your name?” I ask the kid on my knee. Sophie leans in.
“This isn’t murder,” she hisses. The kid looks between us.
“Timmy,” he finally says.
“Well, Timmy, what would you like for Christmas?”
“Soren, please tell me this is a joke. That one of the shop owners is a pervert.”
“What’s a pervert?” Timmy asks. Sophie blanches. I cover his ears.
“Think of the children,” I scold in humor.
“I’m not the murderer inviting children in my lap,” she huffs. She shuffles back down the platform, looking guilty for introducing Timmy to strange words. After thirty more minutes and countless coughing kids, she’s about to wring my neck.
I haven’t had this much fun in a while. I always played Santa at home during the Holidays. I wasn’t going to do it here, but then loneliness made me do something weird: convince my therapist to marry me.
I could have just convinced her to move in, probably. But this guarantees some permanence. She said to work on a better me—self-improvement, routines, and a hobby. I was doing what she asked of me, and I had to admit that she wasn’t half bad at her job.
No more empty house, a live-in therapist, someone to play Santa with. Things were looking up.
Sophie was right, though; I had ulterior motives for being here. I looked over at the nut pagoda. A man shook pecans on a tray, slowly filling up little baggies. Whatever jackass hired him to work in a mall probably deserved to die too. Didn’t they realize that although technically the mall wasn’t a place designed specifically for children, it was somewhere you were very likely to interact with them?
Hesure as hell knows. His eyes flick up from bagging nuts to look at the line of kids gathering in front of Mall Santa. I grind my teeth.
“Time to go,” I say, popping up from the throne. “Mrs Claus and I need to do some Christmas shopping.”
“That’s not Mrs. Claus, that’s an elf!” A kid exclaims. All the other kids gasp in horror.
“Mrs Claus is an elf. Interspecies marriage is legal in the North Pole.” I drag Sophie away.
“Hey, we can’t just leave them,” she complains. I knew she secretly liked it. I look at the time on my phone.
“The new Santa will be here in five minutes. The kids get weird when they see two Santas next to each other.” I drag her towards the nut pagoda and consider killing Richard in front of everyone. What a fitting name because he looks like a Dick.
I slide my hand into Sophie’s, lacing our fingers together, and then continue walking by. My therapist surely wouldn’t like me murdering someone in the middle of the mall.
“Where are we going?” She asks suspiciously.
“Trying on lingerie at Victoria’s Secret.”
“I refuse.”
“Who said anything about you?” I flash her a confused face, and she takes a deep breath. “Can you help me pick out the right size?” She lets out the breath with a groan.
“They say not to take work home, but what if work takes you home?” She asks some higher power. This is fun. I smile at her, and she gives me a distrustful look back.
“You’re having fun, too,” I tell her. We walk around the mall with no destination in mind. I never stray too far from Dick the Nut Guy, always keeping him in sight.
