Lucas stared at the cigarette burn in thecarpet by his bare toes.Had he meant to kill the man?He couldremember the cheap shot that had hit way too close to his balls,the hot red anger that had exploded from somewhere deep andprimitive, the drive to attack, to hurt…to kill?“I don’t know.Idon’t…I don’t think so.”He didn’t want to think so, and theconviction for manslaughter instead of murder had showed that thejudge didn’t think so.But sometimes, lying in bed, staring at theceiling of his six-by-nine cell…sometimes, Lucas hadn’t beentotally sure.
Sean shrugged carelessly.“You’ve got a hottemper, man.We both do.If people mess with us, we mess with them.We mess them up.So, you know, they shouldn’t mess with us.That’sall.”
Lucas didn’t have any more words.He’d spentthe brief period before his conviction in panicked denial,desperately searching for justifications or excuses.But hiscourt-appointed lawyer had made it clear that there was no realdoubt about the facts of the case, and Lucas had been almostrelieved that things were settled by his guilty plea.Sitting inthe court room during sentencing, listening to the testimony ofwitnesses, unable to even glance toward the grieving family in thefront row, he’d stopped trying to escape from what he’d done.Hewas a killer.He couldn’t go back in time, couldn’t change anythingthat had happened.But he’d decided to stop trying to lie about it.At least to himself.
“I just need a bit of time,” he told Sean.“It’s a pretty big adjustment.That’s all.”
Finally, Sean seemed satisfied.“Yeah, okay.I guess it would be.You still need to tell us some stories, right?Maybe this weekend we’ll have the boys over in the afternoon, andyou can fill us in.Tell us about life in the big house.”
There was no way that was going to happen.“Yeah, maybe,” Lucas said.“But there isn’t all that much to tell.It was just boring, mostly.Lots of routine, schedules.Nothing tooexciting.”
“You put that many bad-asses all together inone place, and there’s going to be some crazy shit,” Sean saidgleefully.“What is there, some code of silence or something?”
“Something like that,” Lucas said, and he layback on the bed and lifted his arm up to cover his face.“Youshould head out, man.And try not to be so loud when you come intonight.One of us has to work tomorrow.”
“Okay, Granny,” Sean said.Then he leanedover and rested his hand on Lucas’s calf, squeezing just a littleas he said, “It’s good to have you back, man.I missed you.”
Lucas tried to ignore the way Sean’s hand waswarm even through the layer of denim.“I missed you too.”He pulledhis arm away from his face and added, “But now I’m sick of youalready.Get out of here.Go have fun.”
“Yeah, okay,” Sean agreed, and then he ranhis hand up Lucas’s leg, over his knee and halfway up his thighbefore squeezing again.“Good to have you back,” he repeated, hisvoice a little softer this time.
Lucas wondered what would happen if he puthis hand on top of Sean’s.If he guided their fingers upwards,inwards…would Sean swear at him and pull away, or would he welcomeLucas’s initiative?It had always been Sean who’d started theselittle…whatever-they-weres.And he’d take them so far, but nofurther.Maybe they were just affection, a gentle side to anotherwise rough man.Or maybe they were something else.
Lucas kept his arm where it was, covering hisface.“Have fun,” he said, his voice a little muffled, and Sean’shand lifted away.
“Yeah, okay,” Sean said.“Sleep tight.Makesure you take your dentures out before you doze off.”
“Go away.”
Sean didn’t go, not right away.But finallyhe stood with a sigh, bent to slap a gentle goodbye to Lucas’sstomach, and left the bedroom.
It was all the same.Nothing had changed atall.Lucas had been gone for three years, and he’d come back to thesame patterns, the same attitudes, and the same confusion.It waslike a damp blanket, one that didn’t give Lucas the warmth heneeded but that was still better than facing the night with nothingto protect him.
Or maybe it wasn’t better.He swungimpatiently to his feet and looked around the bedroom, not thatmuch bigger than his prison cell.The last few sessions with hiscounselor in jail, once it had become clear that he was going to bereleased, had been all about this.Lucas was going back to the lifehe’d been ripped out of, and there were good things about thatlife, things he should try to preserve.But there were problemstoo, things that had led to his trouble in the first place and thathe needed to get away from if he wanted to avoid getting intotrouble again.
They’d mentioned it in the sessions, butobviously hadn’t spent enough time on the most difficult aspect ofit all.Lucas was supposed to cling to the things that were good inhis life while removing himself from the things that were bad.Butwhat the hell was he supposed to do when the good and bad weremixed so thoroughly and inextricably in the exact same person?
He took a moment to smooth the blankets onhis bed, and then stepped back when he realized what he was doing.Was he worried he’d get demerits for leaving his surroundings lessthan pristine?
He looked down at his watch, a cheap one Mrs.Gage had found for him when she’d realized how worried he was aboutbeing where he was supposed to be on time.It showed just pastseven o’clock.The bar was a bad idea, but that didn’t mean Lucashad to stay inside.In prison, he’d thought he was going crazysometimes, staring at the same walls all the time.He was out now,and he needed to remind himself of that freedom.Just a walk, aquick tour around the town to see what was the same and what hadchanged in the three years he’d been gone.
He pulled the front door open just as MandiCarter was raising her hand to knock on it.She laughed, asurprisingly gentle sound from someone with badly bleached hair andboobs pushed up practically to her chin.“Lucas!Hi.Sean gave me acall and said you weren’t going to make it to the bar.He said hisfamily was all out, though, so he thought you might want somecompany at home.”Her smile would have seemed shy if she hadn’treached out and hooked her fingers around his waist at the exactsame moment.“So?Are you going to invite me in?”
Lucas forced himself to stand still.It hadbeen a while, but this was nothing new, not really.And Mandiseemed as attractive as any of the other girls from the bar.“Okay,” he said.He felt tired and old and hopeless.“Would youlike to come in?”
By way of an answer, Mandi stepped forwardand locked both her hands behind Lucas’s neck, then pulled hismouth down for a kiss that was instantly wet and dirty.When shefinally released him, she licked her lips and said, “That’s a goodstart.You and Sean are sharing a room, right?He won’t be back fora while…”
She shut the front door and led the way intothe house and up the narrow staircase, then waited for furtherdirections into the appropriate bedroom.Lucas knew what he wassupposed to do.What Mandi expected, what Sean expected…hell, theGage family had disappeared magically enough that maybe it was whatthey expected too.“I don’t…” he started, but he couldn’t quitefind the words to finish the sentence.“Could we maybe just go fora walk, or something?Watch TV, maybe?”
Mandi squinted at him and for a moment he wassure he was going to get cussed out in a truly impressive fashion.But then her expression softened as if she had been trying tofigure him out and had finally managed.“You’re just not into me?Or something bigger than that?”She made it seem as if eitheranswer was equally acceptable, even though Lucas was pretty sureneither one was something he should express to anyone.
“I’m having some trouble adjusting,” he saidlamely.“I think I need a bit of time to get myself figuredout.”
She was kind enough to not push any further.Instead, she wrapped her warm fingers around his and said, “I’m awaitress.The last thing I want at the end of the day is moredamned walking.But TV would be okay.”
So she led the way back downstairs and theysat on the couch together, and when she nestled in under his armand leaned against his shoulder, it was nice.She handled theremote control and he sat there with his arm around her and he feltpretty good, really.And she seemed content as well.Maybe this waspossible.Maybe he didn’t need to make any big changes or grandproclamations.Maybe he could just stay like this for a while.Maybe, if he was careful to not disturb anything, he could behappy, at least for a while.
ChapterSix
