Terry came in and sat in one of the leatherarmchairs that furnished Mark’s office.His smile was gentle behindhis neatly trimmed brown beard.“Another one questioning hissexuality?”
“I guess I’m developing a bit of aspecialty,” Mark admitted.“I think I fill a unique niche.”Hetried not to sound bitter as he added, “It’s just as well, since somany other parishioners want nothing to do with me.”
Terry didn’t rise to the bait.They’d had theconversation before and probably would again in the future, but hewas clearly looking to discuss something else right then.“How’syour family?”
“Fragile.”Mark wondered if there were wordshe should add, but the description seemed sufficient, so he didn’taugment it.
Terry nodded solemnly.“It was a terriblething.And difficult if they think justice hasn’t been done.”Hepaused, then proceeded more carefully.“Your parents weren’t inchurch on Sunday.I know they aren’t our most devout parishioners,but they usually come to services.Then I went by the house onTuesday, but your father said your mother wasn’t feeling well and Ishould come back another time.I’d like to offer my support, Mark,but I’m not sure it’s welcome.”
“They need some time, I think.They’re…” Howto explain his parents?“When things get tough, they huddle up abit.You know, they pull back into themselves.Just family.ButI’ll try to get them out.Hopefully Sunday service, at least.AndI’m taking care of them.”
“All right, then.”Terry nodded as if theissue was resolved to his satisfaction.“And I know it’s not a goodtime, but I wanted you to know that the bishop is still consideringyou for the Inclusion and Equity panel.I spoke to him last night,and he’s hoping to have a decision made within the week.You knowyou have my support, and now more than ever, I think you mightbenefit from having something work-related to really focus on.”
“I appreciate your vote of confidence.”Unless the rector was just trying to get rid of his awkwardlyhonest gay priest.But Terry had been too good a friend for Mark tobe totally cynical about his motives.“And I’m still veryinterested in the job.I think the church needs my voice.We talkabout the four-legged stool all the time, and I’m sure there arepeople better able to discuss ‘scripture’ and ‘tradition’ than me,but I think I could contribute on ‘reason’, and I absolutely thinkI’d have something to say from ‘experience’.”
“You don’t need to give me your job interviewspeech, Mark.I helped you write it.”
“Right.Sorry.I just feel very passionatelyabout this.The church needs to keep examining its policy on gayissues, and it needs to consult gay church members and clergy, notjust academic theologians and politicians.”
“I understand.But your sexuality is only oneaspect of your life, and only one part of who you are as a servantof God.”He peered at Mark as if trying to read his response, thennodded slowly.“Pray on it.I’ll do the same.We’ll see what wecome up with.”He headed for the door, then stopped and turnedaround.“And Mark, take care of yourself.If you need some timeoff, let me know and we’ll arrange it.This is a difficult time foryour parents, but it’s hard for you as well.It’s a hazard of theprofession, I think, putting everyone else’s needs ahead of yourown, but you can’t minister to others if you aren’t strongyourself.Okay?”
Mark nodded.“I’m fine,” he said, and triednot to notice Terry’s look of concern.He was fine.There werethings to be dealt with, of course, but he had it under control.Hetried a reassuring smile, then stood himself.“I’d better go findAlex.I don’t want him to think I’ve forgotten about him.”
“Take care of yourself,” Terry saidagain.
“Absolutely.I will.”Not that he needed to.He was going through a difficult time, but he could handle it.Hisparents needed him, the confused gay teens needed him.Even theolder, straighter members of the congregation needed him, if they’donly admit it.He would look after them—he could worry abouthimself later.
ChapterFive
“I thought your leg was sore.”Lucas kept histowel wrapped around his waist while he pulled boxer briefs onbeneath it.He’d shared a room with Sean, off and on, since beforethey’d hit puberty, and there had been a time when they had beencasual about their nakedness.But that had all changed even beforethe night things went so wrong in the bar.
Sean grinned and massaged his bruised thigh.“It was sore, but now it’s feeling a lot better.”
“It was too sore to go to work, but you thinkyou might be able to make it out for a few drinks,” Lucasclarified.
“Yeah, that sounds about right.I mean,working is a lot of climbing and stretching, and it wouldn’t besafe for me up on a roof, not if I’m not totally steady on my feet.The bar?”Another grin.“I’m going to be falling on my ass for awhole other reason after a couple hours at the bar.Besides, I cansue for lost wages.No need to work for money if I’m going to getit anyway.”He pulled his T-shirt up over his face, sniffed it, andlet it fall back to cover his chest.Apparently it had passed thetest, because he showed no inclination to get changed.“Put someclothes on and let’s get going.”
“I still have curfew, man.And in case youforgot, things didn’t go so smooth last night.You go on, but I’lljust stick around here and watch TV or something.”
Sean flopped down on his bed and stared atLucas.“What the fuck, man?It’s like you don’t even want to goout.Like you don’t want to have any fun.”
Lucas pulled on jeans and a T-shirt beforesitting on the corner of his own bed.Sean was waiting for ananswer, and he’d always been able to outlast Lucas.So apparentlythey were going to have the talk, or at least some of it.
“Sean.The last time I got drunk, a guydied.”No, that wasn’t quite enough.“I killed him.”He looked upto see his friend frowning at him.
“Yeah, that sucked.But you did your time,Lukey.It’s over.I mean, the parole stuff is a drag, I get that.And, yeah, okay, I see why you want to be careful.The cops are allover your ass and you don’t want to get sent back.Fair enough.Butwe could figure out a way around all that, you know.Like, we couldgo to the bar for a bit and then bring people back here.Mom’d bepissed, but she’d get over it.”
“I did my time?Some of it, yeah.But Sean,the guy’s still dead.It’s permanent.His family, his friends, allthe shit he wanted to do with his life?He’s gone, forever.”Lucasstared at his friend’s uncomprehending face.Sean was almostinnocent sometimes.Like he refused to accept any of the hardertruths of the world.Mortality.Responsibility.Guilt.“I can’tjust go on with things like it never happened.Three years and thenit’s all over?It’s never over, not for the people who miss him.Soit should never be over for me.”
“Jesus, you’re talking like you did it onpurpose.Like you planned it or something.You just got worked up,man.”Sean craned his head around so he could peer into Lucas’slowered face.“I mean, you were shitfaced.That’s what everybodysaid.So you did something dumb when you were drunk.It sucks thatthe guy got hurt so bad, but you didn’t do anything that lots ofpeople wouldn’t have done.You were just unlucky that it wentbad.”
“I was unlucky?I think the dead guy is theunlucky one.”
“Okay, yeah, him too.”Sean hitched forwardand gave Lucas his most charming smile.“I know how this shithappens, Lukey.And I’m sorry I wasn’t there to back you up.Butyou can’t spend the rest of your life doing penance for somethingthat was just bad luck.”
“I hit him over the head with a bottle.”Lucas’s memory of the fight was spotty, blurred by alcohol,adrenaline, and a couple blows to his own head, but he’d heard thetestimony at the trial, heard too many people describe what he’ddone.There was no way around it, no way to pretend it wassomething else.“It wasn’t bad luck.I did it on purpose.”
“You meant to hit him, sure.But you didn’tmean to kill him.Right?”
