“And how’s that working for you?”
“It’s spectacular!”Lucas said with far toomuch expression and an exaggerated lisp.
Sean grinned quickly, then grew more serious.“It doesn’t bug you?People talking about you?People who won’tlike you any more once they know?”
Lucas made himself think about the questions.“No.I guess it doesn’t.I mean…there’s some shit that happens andit’s really bad.But the good part of it is that it makes it clearthat other stuff that you thought was really bad?It really wasn’tthat big of a deal.Does that make sense?”
Sean was squinting at him thoughtfully.“No.I don’t think it does.”
“I killed a man.And I got sent to jail forit.Bam.That’s some serious shit.After that?Somebody sayssomething mean about me?Big fucking deal.You know?”
“Please tell me you’re not about to saythat’s the silver lining for my legs being gone.Please don’t sayit’s going to help me learn a fucking life lesson.”Sean soundedalmost angry.
“No.”Lucas shook his head seriously.“Thesilver lining for your legs being gone is the sweet parking spots.We already covered that.”
This time, the noise from Sean’s mouth was anunmistakable laugh.“Sorry.I forgot.”
“Well, pay attention,” Lucas admonished.
He stayed a while longer, talking aboutnothing important, until a nurse came in to do something withSean’s IV and gave Lucas a pointed look.“I should get going,”Lucas said, standing slowly.
“You just got here.”Sean looked like asleepy child fighting to be allowed to stay up past hisbedtime.
“I can come back.Or your mom said you weregoing to get transferred back up as soon as they think it’s safe.That’s still the plan?”
“Yeah.And you’d come visit me up there?Evenif you might run into Mikey or Tinker or the other guys?”
“I’m not scared of Mikey or Tinker.”
Sean nodded appreciatively.“Yeah.I noticed.I didn’t get to tell you, man, but…that was a good show.You are ascrappy little fucker when you want to be, you know that?”
“It was fun,” Lucas said simply.“So, say hito your mom for me, and the rest of the family.”He leaned in alittle closer and said, “And hang in there, Sean.Okay?We’llfigure it out.”
“I couldn’t kill myself if I wanted to,” Seansaid bitterly.“I already thought about it.I’m stuck in this bed,they’re keeping their eyes on me all the time…”
“That’s not all I’m talking about.I meandon’t give up.You need to work on getting better, and figuring outhow to make your life work.You’rea scrappy little fuckertoo, Sean.Don’t forget that.”
“I wonder sometimes,” Sean said softly.Itseemed like he was already half-asleep.The transition had comequickly, so Lucas figured the nurse had probably put some sort ofsedative into the IV.But Sean was still trying to talk.“I wonderif I really am all that tough.Or if I’m just crazy.I think aboutall the times I got us into trouble…you were always the one who gotus out.”
“We were a good team.We both did lots to getus into trouble, and we both did what we could to get us out.”
Sean shook his head sleepily.“Yeah.That’swhat I always tried to make you believe.”His eyes drifted shut andLucas leaned over and ruffled what was left of his hair beforekissing him on the temple.Sean managed a half-smile.“Thanks forcoming, Lucas.It was good to see you.”
“I’ll come back on my next day off, if youaren’t moved back up by then.”
“Mmmm…” Sean mumbled, and that was all.
It was raining when Lucas left the hospital.He thought about Mark’s car and wondered if the repairs had worked,then thought about Mark.It was much more pleasant to imagine himand wonder how his day was going than it was to think about Sean.Mark had said he might go out to the farm while Lucas was away andtry to make peace with Alex.Hopefully that had worked.
He turned the radio on while he drove andtried to find people talking, or songs he could sing along to, oranything else to distract him.He knew he was just putting off theinevitable.At some point his brain was going to force him to dealwith it.Sean wasn’t dead.But he’d maybe wanted to be.And he’dlost a big part of himself, and if he’d been suicidal before theaccident, what would he be like after?Sean had taken Lucas in.He’d been a brother.And then Lucas had left, gone off to chase his“shiny new life”, and Sean had been alone.It didn’t matter thatLucas didn’t see things that way, it mattered how Sean had seenthem.
“Fuck,” Lucas said out loud.He turned theradio louder and changed stations.He wanted Mark.Mark would…well,he wouldn’t fix it, but he’d help Lucas deal with it.
He was almost back to town when the truckstarted sputtering.He checked the gas gauge, wondering if he’dbeen distracting himself a little too efficiently, but he had halfa tank.The engine died completely and Lucas swore softly as he hitthe hazard lights and coasted toward the shoulder.It was stillpouring rain.He sat still behind the wheel, staring at thedownpour, then tried the engine again.It turned over, but wouldn’tcatch.A few more tries and then Lucas stopped.The battery wasn’texactly new and he wasn’t sure just how far he could push it.
“Fuck,” he said again.His mind ran over thepossible causes, then he popped the hood release, pushed the dooropen, and stepped out into the rain.He’d spent a minute or twopoking around and investigating before he became aware of adifference in the light.Something, moving, flashing…he poked hishead out from under the hood and saw the police car that had pulledup behind the truck.
“Car trouble?”A male shape came joggingtoward him, police-issue slicker reflecting the car’s flashinglights.
