“What?Killing yourself?Why?”
Sean didn’t answer right away, and when hedid his voice was tight and aggressive.“I told you I don’tremember.”
“Yeah, but what are the guys saying?”
“Maybe you should ask them.Oh, that’s right.You can’t.You ditched all your old friends.You have a shiny newlife now.”
Lucas was pretty sure the bitterness was justmisplaced anger, but he responded anyway.“Shiny?Give me a fuckingbreak, Sean.I’m an ex-con working a minimum wage job and living ina fucking halfway house.What’s so shiny about that?”
“You’ve got your new friends now.Your newlifestyle.”
It wasn’t clear exactly what Sean knew orwhat he thought he knew, and Lucas couldn’t see the point infinding out.“Fine.You’re right, I can’t ask the guys what they’resaying.So I’m asking you.Why would you have been talking aboutkilling yourself?What the fuck, Sean?”
The pause was so long Lucas thought Seanwasn’t going to answer.It felt like Sean had been looking for somesort of password and Lucas hadn’t given him the right one.Butfinally, in a small, almost childish voice Sean said, “Do you everfeel like everything’s gone wrong?Like…like your whole life is youstuck in traffic on the highway and there’s no off-ramps and itsucks where you are and you aren’t even fucking moving…”
Now it was Lucas’s turn to take a long timebefore answering.“Yeah,” he eventually managed.“I’ve felt likethat.And I’ve thought about giving up.Stepping in front of atruck or something.But there’s a big fucking difference betweenthinking about it and doing it.A big difference betweentalkingabout it and doing it.”He leaned forward and waiteduntil Sean turned his head to look at him.“What did you actuallydo?Your mom said you were drunk.I figured you just lost controlof the truck.Is that wrong?”
“I.Don’t.Remember.”Sean raised hiseyebrows as if challenging Lucas to believe otherwise, but it madesense that Sean wouldn’t.Between alcohol and head trauma, therewere probably parts of Sean’s brain that weren’t workingproperly.
Lucas leaned back in his chair.“I don’tremember either,” he said softly.“That night in the bar.I got afew flashes back, after months of wondering.But that’s all.”Hesighed.“At least you didn’t kill anybody.You had the guts to doyour big, stupid thing on your own.”
“You really trying to make drunk drivingmyself off the road into me being a hero or something?”
Lucas paused.No, he wasn’t going to try todo that.“We’re both assholes,” he finally said.“Both dumb fuckswho can’t keep our shit to ourselves and have to drag other peopledown with us.”
“But not you, not anymore.”Sean didn’t soundbitter this time.“Your new life…you’re not an asshole anymore,right?Jail actually worked on you.You’re all rehabilitated andresponsible now.Right?”
“I’m trying to be.”
“You’re doing good, Lukey.”For the firsttime since Lucas had arrived, Sean tried to smile.“I’m proud ofyou.Jealous too.But I’m glad one of us made it.”
“Stop talking like it’s over!”It felt cruelto stand and move around when Sean couldn’t, but Lucas couldn’t sitstill.He paced the few steps to the end of the bed and turned tolook up at his friend.“It’s not over for either of us—I’m stillworking my ass off, and I know that just because things are goodright now it doesn’t mean they’re going to stay that way.And justbecause things are bad right now for you, it doesn’t mean you can’tmake them better.”
Sean gave Lucas a sardonic look and gave ahalf-wave down to where his legs used to be.“I think this ispretty fucking permanent, Lucas.They’re not going to growback.”
“No.Not the legs.They’re gone.But there’sgood shit going on these days, good ways to help people.”
“I probably can’t walk,” Sean said flatly.“No fake legs for me.They were trying to tell me different but Igot Corey to look it up on the internet.Little fucker’s so in lovewith his phone he’ll use it for anything, no questions asked.”Seansmiled fondly, thinking of his brother’s weakness, but his facequickly fell back into the worn frown it had obviously been wearingfor too long.“With both off from above the knee, fake legs won’twork.I’m going to be stuck in a wheelchair.”
Lucas had no idea how to respond.“Betterparking,” he finally said.
Sean was quiet for quite a while, then turnedto look at Lucas.“Better parking?”There was something in hiseyes, just a trace of the old Sean, enough to make Lucas decide topush a little further.
“We should start hanging out again.I’vealways wanted to use those handicapped spots.Some of them areprime.”
Sean’s snort wasn’t quite a laugh, but it wassomething.“Come here, man,” Sean said, gesturing weakly with hishand.
Lucas wasn’t quite sure where “here” was buthe moved forward, bent down over the bed when Sean seemed to wanthim to, and wasn’t totally shocked to feel Sean’s hand wrap aroundthe back of his head and pull him down closer.It was so familiarit hurt.Sean’s fingers deliberately mussing Lucas’s hair, Sean’slips pressed hard and fierce to Lucas’s temple.“I missed you, youfucker,” Sean muttered.
“I missed you too.”It was true.Lucas hadmissed Sean.He hadn’t missed the constant tension, the need topretend to be someone he wasn’t, or the oppressive sense that hewas disappointing everyone he cared about, but Sean himself,separated from the rest of the crap?Yeah, Lucas had missed him.“We’ll figure this shit out, okay?You should do the counseling.Therapy, or whatever they’re calling it.I talked to a doctor whenI was in jail, and it was pretty good.It’s not like she made mefeel crazy or anything, she just helped me figure some stuff out.It was useful.”
Sean looked doubtful.“It was a woman?Youprobably just wanted some female company and you’d take it any wayyou could get it.”
Lucas squinted.“No, Sean,” he saidpatiently.“I’m really not that desperate to spend time aroundwomen.Remember?”
Sean’s long pauses were becoming routine.“You’re really doing it, then?”he asked after they’d both watchedthe man across the aisle pull a book out of his bag and startreading.“You’re a full-on fag now?”
“Full on,” Lucas said dryly.
