“I don’t want you to.”
“What?Why not?”
“Because it gets messy.If you tell her that,she’s going to ask questions, right?She’ll want to know how I knowyou.How’d I know where you live, how’d I know what was happeningthat night?All of that is going to make her ask morequestions.”
Mark listened as Lucas traced his way throughit all.
“I think she might realize that we both knowAlex.Scott Wilson has been spreading his shit all over town soshe’s probably smelled some of it by now.But, Mark, this isn’t agood time to tell her the whole story.Not while she’s worriedabout your dad, and while you and me are still trying to figure outwhat exactly the story even is.And if you tell her some of it andlie about the rest?You don’t want to lie to your mom.And I betyou’re not a very good liar, so she’d probably catch you…”
“No.”Mark wasn’t quite sure what he wasobjecting to, but he was going to do it vehemently anyway.“No.This whole self-sacrificing martyr thing you’re doing?No.I don’tlike it and I won’t be a part of it.”
“What?”Lucas frowned.“I don’t know what amartyr even is.”
“Someone who takes a punishment for someoneelse.Someone who suffers for others.”
“I’m not taking a punishment for someoneelse.Look, Mark, it’s great that you forgave me.”Lucas stopped,obviously aware that the heat in his voice made his appreciationsound less than sincere.He smiled ruefully.“I mean it.It’sgreat.Like, literally.I can’t believe you could do it, and I’mreally, really glad that you could.But he wasn’t just yourbrother.He was also her son.She has a good reason to hate me.I’mnot being a martyr, I’m taking responsibility for my actions.”
“No.You said it earlier…there’s a reason mymom shouldn’t be a part of this hearing.This time around it’s notabout what you did years ago, it’s about what you did a coupleweeks ago.And what you did a couple weeks ago was risk yourself tosave me from a beating.They could have killed me, Lucas.And thenmy mom would have lost both of her sons.You kept that fromhappening and it makes no sense for you to go back to jail becauseof it.”
“So the judge will see that,” Lucas saidstubbornly.“I’ll be fine.”
Mark shook his head.This was ridiculous.Hewalked to the living room window, just a few steps from the kitchenin his small apartment, and stared out at the street.He thoughtabout it, then nodded.“Yeah.Okay.I don’t need to talk to her inorder to help you out.I need to talk to her because I’m a grownman and I can’t be this worried about what my mommy thinks.I can’tkeep hiding this from her.”He stepped closer to Lucas.“Because ifI don’t have to hide it from her, I don’t have to hide it fromanyone.We could walk down the street together, go out for dinner,see a movie, go to the park.We could be a regular couple.”
Lucas frowned at him.“You think your mom isthe only one who’s going to have a problem with this?With us?”
“I think my mom is the only one that I careif she has a problem.The rest of the world can go fuck itself,Lucas.I want to be with you, and I don’t want to hide it.I don’twant to act like I’m ashamed when I’m really, really not.”
Lucas kept his face still, then grinned.“Have I ever told you how hot it is when you swear?”
“I used a strong word to express my strongemotions.”
“Your strong emotions are hot.”
Mark had to laugh a little, but he wasn’tgoing to let Lucas totally derail the conversation.“I want to talkto her.I want to tell her everything.She’ll be upset, for sure.”He was going to say that she’d get over it, but he honestly wasn’tsure she ever would.Not really.Still… “She deserves to know.Shedeserves the chance to make her own decision about how she’s goingto feel about me, once she knows how I feel about you.”
Lucas stared at him almost as if he wasafraid.“It’s too soon,” he said.“It’s happening too fast.”
He was talking about more than just tellingMark’s mother.“It’s soon,” Mark agreed.“And it’s fast.But thatdoesn’t mean it isn’t real.”
“Can we go to bed?”The question came fromout of the blue and Mark raised his eyebrows in surprise.Lucasgrinned sheepishly.“We don’t have to decide anything tonight,right?And we don’t have that much time.”They had an alarm clockset in the bedroom that would warn them fifteen minutes beforeLucas’s curfew, and they were both always aware of the minutesticking away on it.“I’d like to…I mean, we can fool around if youwant.But if you wanted to just sleep?Or, you know, just liethere?That’d be okay with me.”
Lucas wanted to cuddle.Mark didn’t dare usethe word because he wanted the exact same thing and if he made funof Lucas, it probably wouldn’t happen.“What about dinner?”
“Oh.Okay, yeah.You’re probably hungry.”
“You aren’t?”
“Sure, I guess I am.”
“Maybe we could lie down for a while,” Marksuggested.“And then if there’s time before you leave, we could eatthen.”
“Yeah,” Lucas said.“That sounds good.”
So they made their way into the bedroom andshed some of their clothes and climbed under the covers.Theykissed a little and then Lucas rested his head on Mark’s shoulderand they just lay there.Lucas seemed to doze off a few times butMark was wide awake, his mind racing.He knew what he had to do,and was a little ashamed that he’d waited so long to do it.By thetime the alarm went off, he was calming down.It was easier torelax now that he’d made his decision.
“I don’t want to go,” Lucas said, but hepushed himself upright and started groping for his shoes.
“I don’t want you to go, either.”Markwondered whether it would be possible to get the parole orderchanged, maybe giving Lucas an option about where he had to be whenhe was under curfew.But Lucas was already thinking they weremoving too fast, so Mark would leave that suggestion for anothertime.But he wouldn’t wait too long, because if there was even apossibility of Lucas being able to spend the night, Mark wanted todo whatever he could to make it happen.
